Holidays are Hard

Yes, I am thinking about him more during this time. No, it hasn't weakened my resolve to give up stalking him. I've come to a new realization: he will always be in my heart and in my mind, but something happened this year that made me realize he no longer controls them. Happy holidays to all, and stay strong.


A New Hope...

Girls, it's official. I'm making my New Year's resolution to stop stalking him. Currently I still have several avenues I use to peek in on his life. So far the only continuing temptation has been my friend's email account. God, password hacking is so terrible. I wish I hadn't figured that one out. That will be hard to give up. But I do know this: the thoughts and feelings about him are fading. Significantly. So I think it's a reasonable goal to set for myself.

Last night when laying down to go to bed I had one of my most common thoughts at that time: "oh, let's conjure up an image/scenario involving you and him." When I was in the midst of the affair I would often hate myself at those times, and suspect that it was more habit than any real desire for him. I would think back to the years after we first made a major move away from a group of friends, and I was able to stop obsessing over a male friend from that time period that I had a crush on, and would fantasize about kissing at night. It just fades.

And you know what? ExAP is fading. FADING! He's not gone. But last night, when my brain did that Pavlovian thing? I was able to just swat the thought away. Easily. It felt so good!

Hope is a verb with its sleeves rolled up. Finally, I'm feeling like I've got a fighting chance.


We are not alone

I just read an incredible article in the New York Times magazine about a study being done of women who have seemingly lost their sexual desire... I thought all of you would enjoy it. Here's a little teaser paragraph:
"Brotto is dealing in the domain of the mind, or in the mind’s relationship to the body, not in a problem with the body itself. Beneath Klimt’s couple, she opened yellow case folders and described the desolation and bewilderment recorded in her notes. She spoke about a woman in her 40s who, years ago, had sex with her husband as often as seven times in a day but who now, more than a decade into a marriage with this still-handsome man, cringes at the very same gesture, the very same touch to her back, that once electrified her. Two or three months might go by now without their having sex. “It’s fine for me not to have sex at all,” Brotto quoted the wife, and commented, “I hear that from a lot of women.” And yet, at the same time, the lack of libido isn’t fine at all. “What exactly is turning me off?” Brotto read the wife’s plaintive question."
Read the article HERE.


Hanging in

So far so good on the stalker avoidance. Except... well, one thing. Remember me guessing my friend's email login? Over the last week, it occurred to me that there might be other "gold" in there to mine... what she had said about me. So I checked it out. And well... that was another battering ram. It's weird, because there's nothing to shake your confidence like the truth. I now am not sure I will ever have the same standing with her that I thought I did. I suppose I deserve it, snooping around her email. But here's the worst part-- yesterday she got an email from him. It was a simple one, just to say happy Thanksgiving and check in. No details. But I guess I broke the rules, because how much MORE of a stalker can I be, reading his message just freshly written?

So guys, I still suck. Mentally I do feel better. Less controlled by it. But my actions speak volumes, don't they? Sorry to not be the bringer of massive hope.


A new trend?

OK guys, I know better than to say I've changed until at least a month or so passes... but I think I might have changed. At least a little bit. I decided to try not checking my stalker places at all this week as a goal, and it was pretty easy to do for a while. I found myself at home alone just now and went to check one of the places, and you know what? It just didn't feel good. Some part of me finally recognized that going there is like clubbing myself over the head. It hurts. And it's pointless. So why do it? My new goal? Don't check any of those places until at least the end of the month. Baby steps. Let's see if I can do this....


Tired of looking back

On my trip I started to realize something. I get stressed out in social situations sometimes because I feel like I don't have anything to say. With the old friends we were visiting, that rarely happened. But a lot of what we talked about focused on the past. I caught myself wondering with sadness whether my early 30's were the highlight of my life, and now I'll just live in a boring fog, always gazing back as the past gets blurrier and farther away. It's true that the pain of missing the exAP is fading over time. I spent some time that first morning I was back looking at his wedding pictures. But really, I've found that I just don't want to think about it. And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I'm starting to realize that guy in the photos isn't someone I know now. It's someone from the past. Who is he today? I have less and less of an idea with every day that passes. I know he's human. I know he didn't find total bliss and perfection with her. And I know he probably still wonders about me from time to time. But my life has gone on just fine without him for the last two years. There are plenty of things in my life that have nothing to do with him, or the places and people he touched in my life. Those are the things I find myself thinking about this week. And I think that's a good sign for my healing.


The relationship, in a nutshell

A person in a similar situation contacted me on another website and wanted to hear my story. That site is being funky about what it will let me type in its email system, so here is the response for her...and for all of you.


Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

I am just back to work today after a late return from vacation last night. It didn't take me long to find things to stab myself in the eye with things early this morning, but the giant pile waiting for me at work is keeping me busy. I suspect I will spend a lot of my weekend really poring over all of it; turning over every last rock. DH will be gone all day Sunday. The initial reaction is that it was a beautiful event. A goddamn beautiful, classy event. Shit.


What I won't do

I won't be able to control myself when I get back from vacation on November 10th. I will finally have some private time away from my DH, and I will scour the web for signs of his wedding. And I'm sure I'll find at least some pictures. Won't those be lovely to stab myself in the eye with? I wish I had the power to tell myself I won't do this. And I'm sorry.... I know I technically COULD not look for them. But in reality? I know I won't resist the urge. It will be too compelling. And it will hurt like a motherfucker.


The last week of torture

Yeah. Like it's going to end as soon as he's married. Poof! I won't obsess about it anymore! Right? Oh crap. Well, for a while I thought I was going to be past this... I went to see my therapist, and then the next few days I magically didn't care about him at all. Thoughts would come to my mind and I'd bat them away effortlessly. Even seeing a band that meant something to us had no effect. Until about Monday... for some reason, I couldn't sleep Monday. So I did the usual routine. Log into Facebook and take off the block... check for his posts... I found none, but his profile pic is now of both of them. Wow, there's that jealousy. Ugly little thing, where were you hiding? So that's pretty much gripping me now. Thinking evil awful thoughts, like I hope it rains or snows on their outdoor ceremony, and I hope she really has put on weight as it appears in the tiny photo... and thinking I hope it's not much fun for all of our mutual friends that are going. There, aren't those pretty thoughts? So, my insides are still dark and flawed and corrupt. At least I leave on vacation Saturday... that should distract me some. Until then, trying to survive the countdown week. And trying to stop expecting the phone to ring.


Ill With Want

I went to an Avett Brothers concert last night... that was one of our frequently cited bands. I thought it would make me miss him terribly, but somehow I came home feeling totally content with my life. But, I did hear a song during the set that I hadn't heard before, that completely describes what it's like to be getting over an affair. It's called Ill With Want..... enjoy.


Back to therapy

I saw my therapist today... I actually didn't make the appointment just to talk about the engagement situation, but we had time at the end and so I brought it up. She told me that the exAP is always going to do that to me... and my job is to deal with it each time, pack it up and process it, and put him back on the shelf where he belongs. Then when he gets brought back into the front of my mind through an event like this or any other, just expect that it will make you get that drug rush that was the hot forbidden side of the affair. Wait it out, process it how you can, don't do anything stupid... and this too shall pass. It helped me to hear her perspective, and to know that even if it only applies and rings true for me today, I can come back to this pattern and just know each time I feel a relapse, I just need to do what I'm doing now. Write about it, think about it, let it pass. Thank you all for listening.


Your Rocky Spine

This song was given to me by the exAP in one of our most intimate times... it still makes me shiver in a way that I wonder if DH will ever be able to do.

A flame ignited and burned out

The other day was my 9th wedding anniversary. DH planned a really sweet celebration, which meant a lot since he hadn't recognized the date last year... he was still in the midst of some pretty serious healing then and wasn't ready to make a big deal out of it. So maybe it was the special attention... maybe it was the wine... or maybe it was just the moon. But I felt extremely connected to him and physically attracted to him all night. To the point that I was attacking him under the dinner table before the night was over. We ended the night in passion and it was incredible and fantastic. I slept better that night than I probably have all year.


Vengeance is Sleeping

Neko Case helps on days like this. Tremendously.

Link to lyrics


Most of their wedding registry items have been purchased. Yes, I just spent a portion of my day looking that up and torturing myself with it. Amazing what images of domestic tranquility and perfection a list of kitchen appliances can conjure up.


Ambien help me now

I haven't been sleeping. The other night was a non-stop half waking dream about the exAP. And at one point, oddly, chatting with his fiance. SUCK. Did I tell you all I met her? He brought her to a Halloween party at my house two years ago. That night I was such a goddamn mess. In fact, the last time he ever saw me was in a crumpled drunk mess on the floor in my bathroom. He told me he wanted to fuck me. So.... yeah. It's SO nice to have met his fiance. Last night I initiated sex with DH. We have had an extreme reduction in sex life ever since right after the affair discovery. Weird thing is, at first it had heated up. Forgiveness and reuniting fueled us. But then about 2 months after discovery I was diagnosed with gigantic fibroids in my uterus. I ultimately had to get a hysterectomy. Because of pain issues and a lot of surgeries, at first less sex made sense. Then, it was recovering from the weirdness of the hyst. But that was last December... by now I feel normal again. But still we only have sex like once every two weeks or so. Should I be worried? Is DH going elsewhere or has he just geared down with age? He's 40.

Anyway, the point is... the sex did not help me sleep. I broke down and took an Ambien at 1am. It is going to continue getting rougher as the 31st approaches. Yep, that is his wedding day. Mother effer.


Sloshing Around

I feel kind of like I've been drugged lately. The other day I reminded myself it's not just that I'm being weak and stupid... it's totally understandable to think of him so much when he is getting married in just a few weeks. I was in a hot-tub on top of a houseboat this weekend. The water was really rough at one point and we were all getting sloshed and tossed around in the hot-tub. Water was spilling out; it was a total mess. I felt like that has been my insides since learning about his engagement. I also find now that I am literally expecting his call. Like, somewhere in me I'm certain he will be the next person who is on the phone when I pick it up at work. Having stupid expectations only leads to hurt and disappointment. And sloshiness.


Information Makes it Better

OK, now this is pretty despicable. One of my best friends in the world, who also happens to be one of the exAP's long ago ex girlfriends, has given me a link to information. WHY would she do that, you ask? Well, she didn't. I did. I won't get into detail, but through a weird chain of events I was reminded of what her email password is, since I had logged in for her once when we were sitting together to look at pictures or something. So I tried it and.... bingo. That is pretty terrible, isn't it? To go into your friend's email.


Wedding Saturated Fall

Well, today is a day that almost all of my closest friends are together. Two of them are getting married, and DH and I decided not to go to the wedding because we knew exAP would likely be there. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he is in the wedding party. Either way, exAP is there with his girlfriend.... oh wait, no. His fiancee. Yes. The one he will be marrying on October 31st. My stalker ways have never failed me.


My New Mantra

Make it through the day. Make it through the week. Make it through the month. Make it through another year. God, sometimes it is just so bad. Other times I don't think of him at all. I truly view myself as a recovering drug addict. He is still in my system at a dangerous level, in my opinion. Just have to wait it out. The fact that a new day can mean a new attitude is about the only hopeful thing I can find in all of this. It keeps me strong.


Please tell me no

I'm thinking about contacting him. Just a quick email from my school account, which will be closed automatically by the school in about 3 months. Hi, I heard your good news. Just wanted to say congratulations and I wish you the best.

This is a TERRIBLE idea. Right? Someone talk me down.


Permanent alteration of my concept of romance and sex?

This weekend I kind of felt like I was sleepwalking through my life. I've felt like that a lot lately. At the end of one evening, we went out in a boat on the lake by moonlight. It was lovely being with my husband's family, and equally lovely to be out there with my husband... but what pops into my mind? Being out there on that boat alone with the ex-affair partner and taking advantage of that romantic, secluded setting with him. WHY don't I ever think these thoughts about my husband anymore? I mean, I never think about wanting to kiss him, have him approach me, touch me, etcetera. In fact, sometimes when he does touch me it feels more repelling than anything. Once again, I wonder if some parts of me have just been permanently re-wired. Kissing the ex affair partner was like breathing. It felt so natural and wonderful, and I wanted to be doing it all the time. Now I'm just a quiet married woman with no urges or attraction for my husband. It would be easier to hide the awkwardness of that on kids if I had any kids. I'm glad I don't, but sometimes I wonder if fun and loveliness is enough to sustain a marriage. My husband is my best friend and the person I want to go to sleep next to every night. He's the one I want to talk to, the one who knows me best. But he's not the one I want to jump in a boat under the moon all alone. I don't know if he ever will be again.


It's like a tumor

I don't feel like I am healing and learning tonight. I feel like this thing that I did has permanently ruined me. Why else would it be that some nights I sit in bed filled with anxiety for no good reason? Or sit there thinking of him when I have my perfectly good life in front of me, the one I begged and scratched and clawed and pleaded to have back not too long ago? It makes me question myself. It makes me wonder if a thing won't leave your mind because it's good and it meant something, or if a thing won't leave your mind because you are stupid and crazy. I know what I'd come to in therapy. That it was good and it did mean something, and it's OK to be sad. But it's over now, and we all move on. But there is this irritating part of my soul that has made it clear it is NEVER moving on. So what do I do with that stubborn bitch at 2:30 in the morning? I'd like to clock her in the jaw and tell her to go the fuck to sleep already.


Beating Myself Up

It strikes me lately that I use information about the xAP to batter myself with. I haven't been feeling particularly good about myself this summer. Feeling like I look old, feeling like I am fat (gained almost 10 pounds), and feeling not so worthwhile. When I am feeling that most acutely, I slip and look up info on the xAP. I can't tell... at first I thought I was seeking out the info because he used to be the thing that gave me value. Now, I think I actually do it to damage myself on purpose. I have this new theory that I am my own worst enemy. Sometimes when I listen to the voice inside my head, it is just so damn mean. It tells me I am an ugly, old, fat, retarded loser. And then I secretly remove the block on the xAP on Facebook and look for his posts on other people's walls... and find them. And hate myself infinitely more than I did when I started. What a vicious cycle. I guess I have to hope that the more time passes since we ended contact, the more I will heal myself.


Hot Summer

I haven't posted in a while but that doesn't mean I haven't still been processing. It strikes me that hotter summer days make my mind stray back to being deviant. What is it about heat and humidity that make me feel like such a bad girl? I've pretty much abandoned all plans to contact him now that I know he's engaged. And still my mind won't let go. I realized as I found pictures of the new house he just bought online by googling his new fiancee's name and his name that I might be a little sick and twisted to still be tracking him still. It gives me some solace to tell myself he still thinks about me, even if that isn't true. Sorry for a somewhat sad post, but it comes from a somewhat sad mind.


Songs of the affair

The good news: after the initial shock, I'm taking this engagement news pretty well.

The bad news: I have found myself thinking terrible thoughts though... like, "well, it won't last. I give it 5 years."

How awful is that? But, on to the reason for my post. My affair was filled with music mixes. The classic "mix tape" of my childhood turned into a long exchange of meaningful mix CD's between me and the ex affair partner. As time has gone on, I've realized I ascribed a lot of positive personality traits to him because of the songs he chose. They made him thoughtful, deep, understanding... poetic. I wonder if he realized this and wanted me to stop thinking those things, since one of his song choices was Spoon's "Car Radio." Lyric: "I'm just a user, I don't make any of this stuff." I would tell myself as my heart would swoon to other lyrics that he didn't write any of it, and it didn't mean anything. At various points he would tell me the songs didn't mean anything. Then at others he would admit they did. It was maddening to not know whether to consider them as messages.

But to me, songs are always filled with meaning. Like "Pale Blue Eyes" by the Velvet Underground. Listen and tell me this doesn't mean anything:

What songs made up your affairs?


So he got fucking engaged.

Owwwwwwwwwwww, ouch. OK, if there was ever an argument for staying in the dark about the ex affair partner, this is it. I have of course blocked him on all of my social networking pages. Stupidly I unblocked just to see if he had written on any mutual friends pages. And yes he did. Just yesterday, he wrote that "we have been engaged for almost two weeks now." I don't have anything to say. Just ow. That fucking really hurts. I wish I didn't know it.


It comes in waves

Girls, this has not been a good couple of weeks. I have thought of him in ways I thought were long gone. I dreamt about meeting his parents, and him cuddling me from behind while I did his mother's dishes. I dreamt of us in our own home, and yes... I dreamt of that hot, forbidden sex too. And that led to daydreaming about it. While having sex with my husband. So no, I don't think contacting him right now is a good idea. When will the drug truly be gone?


Reality check

You know the bitch of it all? After all these revelations, all it takes is a sunny summer day to make me want him so bad I can taste it. So bad that body parts get swollen and slick without warning on a drive from point A to point B. Maybe that's too much information, but you ARE reading the dirty and despicable blog, aren't you? This is the truth. Nothing more, nothing less. Even past the one year no contact mark, this can still happen. FYI.


Sleeping on it

I just re-read the letter I wrote to the ex affair partner a few weeks back. The first few nights after sleeping on it, re-reading it was enjoyable. I like re-reading what I've written usually. But now, after that magical real one year mark, and after almost a month of sleeping on it... I tried to re-read it and just couldn't. I kept asking myself, "why did you even write this? He knows all of this and so do you. It's been said." I think there is something new happening in me. Could it be that the drug is finally exiting my system? There might be hope for all of us yet if so.


You can move past this

To all of you that have made comments... thank you. You have no idea how healing it is to know there are others out there in the same situation. And if my story can help you at all, that is incredible. Someone made it sound like this was some big strong choice I made. I just want to be clear that I didn't make the choice. I was too weak, and I think most of us are. Ending an affair on your own with no pressure, in my opinion, is next to impossible. The other man was like a drug for me. It never would have ended unless I had the train wreck I had. For those of you still in the affair, I guess if you can try to end it, that would certainly be less painful than what I went through. I can tell you that on the other side, after all the pain, it really can be better. I never would have expected that... knowing that if and when my husband found out, things could improve. I wish he hadn't found out in some ways, but in others... I'd still be pretty miserable, so maybe I'm glad he knows now and we were able to move past it. Anyway, thank you for reading and commenting. We can all help heal each other.


The one year true "no contact" mark after a four year affair

So, sometime in the last month, I hit the true one year no contact mark. The last time I heard from the ex affair partner, he called me at work because he had gotten wind of an email announcement my husband and I drafted together last May. It was a message we decided to jointly send to our mutual friends (friends with us and the ex affair partner) to tell them that the affair happened, and ask them to not mention the ex affair partner to us anymore. We also asked them to keep it confidential. Obviously since he called me about it someone told him... not surprising I guess. We all were part of a pretty close-knit group of friends while the affair was going on. It's been five years or more since we have all lived in the same state, but we knew most of our mutual friends still kept in contact with the ex affair partner. So it follows that one of them was still close enough with him to tell him we had sent the message.

Anyway. Here's what it felt like to hear his voice on the other end of the phone that day last May: panic. Pure panic.


Friday night moment of truth

Do you want to know the worst part? When I do get turned on all by myself, I think about girls a lot. Is that twisted? I'm sure the ex affair partner thought it was hot. We actually talked about it so I know he did. Have told my husband but he gets threatened. Felt that way before the affair too. I know I'm not totally into women, but there's no denying the turn-on. There, another beautiful thing about the internet. No reason to hide the truth. There it is.


Speaking Your Mind for Healing

I finished my master's degree on Saturday. I've been working on it part-time since 2006 while working a full time job. In fact, I decided to start it partially because I needed to have something else besides my ex affair partner to think about all the time. (obviously there are other professional reasons as well.) I am extremely proud of finishing my thesis and graduating. In 2007 and 2008 when my husband found out about the affair and my life was falling apart, I thought about quitting school many times. I persisted.

So when I graduated on Saturday, it was a big deal. It was a big deal to me professionally, but also personally... it just felt like the last big "to do" list item in the process of healing from the last year and a half.

So you can imagine how upset I was when my husband didn't even get me a card.


Considering what might be construed as a mistake

So I have been mentally composing a last letter in my head to the ex affair partner for at least the last year. I've told myself I'm not allowed to even think about sending it until the two year no contact mark has passed. I'm not looking for any reconnection in it, I guess just more so looking for closure. It's really weird stopping all communication with someone who you care for deeply in such an abrupt, disaster-ridden way. So I plan to email and find out where he works now (no idea) and mail him a CD with the letter on it, password protected. No email for him to write back to. I will delete the account I use to get his physical address immediately. I know digital communication ability would make us slide. Anyway, mostly what I am telling him is that I am finally OK, and that I learned how much I hated myself when it was all going on. And hoping he doesn't feel that way, wishing him happiness and peace. Saying while we are in the right place now, I am not beating myself up for what we did anymore. I look back and see it was a mistake, but I also don't regret it because he helped me when I really needed to be helped. Is this a terrible idea? I won't be doing anything with it until November. Lots of nights to sleep on it.


Married sex vs. affair sex

Here's the thing. Everyone knows affair sex is hotter, dirtier, more forbidden.... etcetera. So I'm not going to just state the obvious. My question here is, WHY. I've been asking myself this as my husband and I put our physical connections back together. We always had a pretty good sex life before and during the affair. So it wasn't like my satisfaction was lacking. The problem was the interest. I'd see the husband ogling my tits or groping me and my immediate reaction was repulsion and dread. "Please don't let him be interested in sex tonight," I'd think. Then he would be, and somehow I'd get over this invisible hurdle, and be into it at some point. At other points I wouldn't, but for the most part that is our pattern. Husband initiates, I feign interest but am not really interested, and in fact sometimes repulsed, and then at some point the animal instinct kicks in and I enjoy it.

So I ask myself: WHY.


Smashing the lock on the box of bad feelings inside me

My husband was on vacation the last week and a half. He went to go visit with a group of our friends that were all mutual friends with my ex affair partner and us. This is the first time either of us have seen them since we decided to tell them what had happened. We ultimately decided to tell our friends about my affair just to prevent us both pain and discomfort in talking to them. Had we not, we would have probably eventually let those wonderful friendships fade and drift. In the first six painful months after my husband’s discovery of the affair, we told nobody what was happening to us on the advice of our counselor. I’m so grateful for that advice, but it meant every time one of this group of friends would call, they’d say- “we understand, but we don’t have to talk about what’s happening between you two. We can just talk about fun stuff.” And then they’d proceed to share all the updates of my ex affair partner’s life and doings. We eventually stopped answering the phone. (fyi, all of these parties now live in other states, at least a day’s drive away.) At six months post-discovery, we told them just the very basic info: that me and this other person had an affair. Not all of our friends immediately offered their support. Some were incredibly supportive right away. Others didn’t know what to say. One of them was dating the ex affair partner while the affair was going on. Even she and I have been able to reconcile, and eventually all of those bridges were mended.

Years ago, back when we met this group of friends, my husband developed a very flirtatious physical relationship with one of them. He’s always been very flirty and forward, and I’ve never liked it. I would tell him flat out that it hurt me to see him hanging all over other women and making sexual innuendos, but he’d just tell me again and again why I had nothing to worry about and shouldn’t feel that way. Obviously that behavior contributed to putting me in the place I was in when I crossed the line with the ex affair partner. Seeing my husband’s pictures from the trip just now was hard. There were numerous pictures of him and the old female friend, with the two of them draped all over each other.


So my husband found out about my affair.

Yes. I haven't posted in a long time. For the last year and a half, I've been recovering from that discovery.