I might also note that the three of us.... this great friend, the exAP and me..... we were all super tight during the affair. The friend didn't know about it, but she knew I had a crush on him at one point. We would talk about him like giggling high school girls. He continued to hook up with her from time to time throughout the affair... which for some reason never bothered me. Anyway, it was a very close friendship. She was one of the first people I told about the affair after DH found out, and she understood it most intimately.
So there I am, in her email. I didn't read any of her personal stuff.... just scanned for stuff from him. And bingo, there it is. Emails from him about how the wedding plans happened so fast, and he still has doubts because they fight and stuff. And just like that, I feel better. I don't feel I need to email him. I don't feel I need to contact him. I feel empowered to stay far, far away and let him figure out his life on his own.
Why is that? Did I just need reassurance that he didn't fall head over heels with his new GF and completely forget me? And is that the only reason I ever needed him? Reassurance? That I'm desirable, attractive, etcetera? And if so, why is that feeling not obtainable through my DH? Anyway, I am feeling calm and in control and that is a good thing. Even though I continue to be despicable.