Information Makes it Better

OK, now this is pretty despicable. One of my best friends in the world, who also happens to be one of the exAP's long ago ex girlfriends, has given me a link to information. WHY would she do that, you ask? Well, she didn't. I did. I won't get into detail, but through a weird chain of events I was reminded of what her email password is, since I had logged in for her once when we were sitting together to look at pictures or something. So I tried it and.... bingo. That is pretty terrible, isn't it? To go into your friend's email.
I might also note that the three of us.... this great friend, the exAP and me..... we were all super tight during the affair. The friend didn't know about it, but she knew I had a crush on him at one point. We would talk about him like giggling high school girls. He continued to hook up with her from time to time throughout the affair... which for some reason never bothered me. Anyway, it was a very close friendship. She was one of the first people I told about the affair after DH found out, and she understood it most intimately.

So there I am, in her email. I didn't read any of her personal stuff.... just scanned for stuff from him. And bingo, there it is. Emails from him about how the wedding plans happened so fast, and he still has doubts because they fight and stuff. And just like that, I feel better. I don't feel I need to email him. I don't feel I need to contact him. I feel empowered to stay far, far away and let him figure out his life on his own.

Why is that? Did I just need reassurance that he didn't fall head over heels with his new GF and completely forget me? And is that the only reason I ever needed him? Reassurance? That I'm desirable, attractive, etcetera? And if so, why is that feeling not obtainable through my DH? Anyway, I am feeling calm and in control and that is a good thing. Even though I continue to be despicable.


  1. Anonymous9:23 AM

    Yup , relate to that , if I see on FB that my AP and his OH are appearing to get on , I immediately seek reassurance from him that theyre not !! and he always gives it .. it doesnt help that I know her and know that she does write things to get to me and to make the world think everything is ok . Ugh , so far this blog is not encouraging me to do the deed and end it !!!

  2. You have to cut off all contact. That is essential. Without that you are lost. good luck.