6.21.2010

Random obsession

I still feel like I've moved past the ExAP. However, I still find that I am randomly completely obsessed with him, albeit much less frequently. I haven't thought about him this much in at least 6 months, I'd say. My stupid dumb password-knowing usually yields almost no info on him, but I just saw he's visiting the place. Our place. Where we first met and became friends, and where it all happened. The building itself is no longer there. But I know he's got to be thinking back to the past too. In that setting, it would be impossible not to. I find myself missing him at these times in a weird way. Like, in a "how I wish I could just talk to you" way. Of course during the affair and failed no contact, that feeling was always what ruined it. We'd think we could just talk and catch up, with no more relationship stuff, and inevitably we'd end up on each other not too long after that intimate chat. But I guess the point is, I do still care what he's doing, what he's feeling, and I miss him. I know that won't stop. I'm just so grateful he's not in my head every day anymore. I can deal with these bouts smartly. I have almost no fear left that I'll make a bad choice. But I do wonder if something down the road will make our paths cross again, planned or not. And I wonder what I will say. That's probably something I should stop wondering right now...

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