My dirty, despicable, horrible affair

I am still in a good healing place. But tonight I felt I had to come downstairs from trying to fall asleep to get these thoughts on digital paper. He has been quite present in my dreams of late. Not consistently every night, but every week or two he pops up, and it's that amazing feeling of waking up from a dream where you were with your best friend... and then you miss them so much because you didn't really talk to them, and with every waking moment you remember less and less of your reverie. I found myself in bed tonight recognizing something. There is still a piece of me... I'm not prepared to call it small just yet.... but it's a piece that wants to be in another life. It's not just about the exAP either. Tonight what set this off was thinking about something as mundane and banal as furniture and bedding choices. Regretting the poor taste I had when I bought the cheapest thing available without a critical eye to what I want my surroundings to look like... and ha...

The other day was my 9th wedding anniversary. DH planned a really sweet celebration, which meant a lot since he hadn't recognized the date last year... he was still in the midst of some pretty serious healing then and wasn't ready to make a big deal out of it. So maybe it was the special attention... maybe it was the wine... or maybe it was just the moon. But I felt extremely connected to him and physically attracted to him all night. To the point that I was attacking him under the dinner table before the night was over. We ended the night in passion and it was incredible and fantastic. I slept better that night than I probably have all year.

Girls, this has not been a good couple of weeks. I have thought of him in ways I thought were long gone. I dreamt about meeting his parents, and him cuddling me from behind while I did his mother's dishes. I dreamt of us in our own home, and yes... I dreamt of that hot, forbidden sex too. And that led to daydreaming about it. While having sex with my husband. So no, I don't think contacting him right now is a good idea. When will the drug truly be gone?