I won't be able to control myself when I get back from vacation on November 10th. I will finally have some private time away from my DH, and I will scour the web for signs of his wedding. And I'm sure I'll find at least some pictures. Won't those be lovely to stab myself in the eye with? I wish I had the power to tell myself I won't do this. And I'm sorry.... I know I technically COULD not look for them. But in reality? I know I won't resist the urge. It will be too compelling. And it will hurt like a motherfucker.
Yeah. Like it's going to end as soon as he's married. Poof! I won't obsess about it anymore! Right? Oh crap. Well, for a while I thought I was going to be past this... I went to see my therapist, and then the next few days I magically didn't care about him at all. Thoughts would come to my mind and I'd bat them away effortlessly. Even seeing a band that meant something to us had no effect. Until about Monday... for some reason, I couldn't sleep Monday. So I did the usual routine. Log into Facebook and take off the block... check for his posts... I found none, but his profile pic is now of both of them. Wow, there's that jealousy. Ugly little thing, where were you hiding? So that's pretty much gripping me now. Thinking evil awful thoughts, like I hope it rains or snows on their outdoor ceremony, and I hope she really has put on weight as it appears in the tiny photo... and thinking I hope it's not much fun for all of our mutual friends that are going. There, aren't those pretty thoughts? So, my insides are still dark and flawed and corrupt. At least I leave on vacation Saturday... that should distract me some. Until then, trying to survive the countdown week. And trying to stop expecting the phone to ring.
I went to an Avett Brothers concert last night... that was one of our frequently cited bands. I thought it would make me miss him terribly, but somehow I came home feeling totally content with my life. But, I did hear a song during the set that I hadn't heard before, that completely describes what it's like to be getting over an affair. It's called Ill With Want..... enjoy.
I saw my therapist today... I actually didn't make the appointment just to talk about the engagement situation, but we had time at the end and so I brought it up. She told me that the exAP is always going to do that to me... and my job is to deal with it each time, pack it up and process it, and put him back on the shelf where he belongs. Then when he gets brought back into the front of my mind through an event like this or any other, just expect that it will make you get that drug rush that was the hot forbidden side of the affair. Wait it out, process it how you can, don't do anything stupid... and this too shall pass. It helped me to hear her perspective, and to know that even if it only applies and rings true for me today, I can come back to this pattern and just know each time I feel a relapse, I just need to do what I'm doing now. Write about it, think about it, let it pass. Thank you all for listening.
The other day was my 9th wedding anniversary. DH planned a really sweet celebration, which meant a lot since he hadn't recognized the date last year... he was still in the midst of some pretty serious healing then and wasn't ready to make a big deal out of it. So maybe it was the special attention... maybe it was the wine... or maybe it was just the moon. But I felt extremely connected to him and physically attracted to him all night. To the point that I was attacking him under the dinner table before the night was over. We ended the night in passion and it was incredible and fantastic. I slept better that night than I probably have all year.
I haven't been sleeping. The other night was a non-stop half waking dream about the exAP. And at one point, oddly, chatting with his fiance. SUCK. Did I tell you all I met her? He brought her to a Halloween party at my house two years ago. That night I was such a goddamn mess. In fact, the last time he ever saw me was in a crumpled drunk mess on the floor in my bathroom. He told me he wanted to fuck me. So.... yeah. It's SO nice to have met his fiance. Last night I initiated sex with DH. We have had an extreme reduction in sex life ever since right after the affair discovery. Weird thing is, at first it had heated up. Forgiveness and reuniting fueled us. But then about 2 months after discovery I was diagnosed with gigantic fibroids in my uterus. I ultimately had to get a hysterectomy. Because of pain issues and a lot of surgeries, at first less sex made sense. Then, it was recovering from the weirdness of the hyst. But that was last December... by now I feel normal again. But still we only have sex like once every two weeks or so. Should I be worried? Is DH going elsewhere or has he just geared down with age? He's 40.
Anyway, the point is... the sex did not help me sleep. I broke down and took an Ambien at 1am. It is going to continue getting rougher as the 31st approaches. Yep, that is his wedding day. Mother effer.
I feel kind of like I've been drugged lately. The other day I reminded myself it's not just that I'm being weak and stupid... it's totally understandable to think of him so much when he is getting married in just a few weeks. I was in a hot-tub on top of a houseboat this weekend. The water was really rough at one point and we were all getting sloshed and tossed around in the hot-tub. Water was spilling out; it was a total mess. I felt like that has been my insides since learning about his engagement. I also find now that I am literally expecting his call. Like, somewhere in me I'm certain he will be the next person who is on the phone when I pick it up at work. Having stupid expectations only leads to hurt and disappointment. And sloshiness.