My dirty, despicable, horrible affair

I am still in a good healing place. But tonight I felt I had to come downstairs from trying to fall asleep to get these thoughts on digital paper. He has been quite present in my dreams of late. Not consistently every night, but every week or two he pops up, and it's that amazing feeling of waking up from a dream where you were with your best friend... and then you miss them so much because you didn't really talk to them, and with every waking moment you remember less and less of your reverie. I found myself in bed tonight recognizing something. There is still a piece of me... I'm not prepared to call it small just yet.... but it's a piece that wants to be in another life. It's not just about the exAP either. Tonight what set this off was thinking about something as mundane and banal as furniture and bedding choices. Regretting the poor taste I had when I bought the cheapest thing available without a critical eye to what I want my surroundings to look like... and ha...

Girls.... those of you that have been checking in and still reading, thank you. I obviously haven't been here as regularly and haven't posted in a while. I think it might be over. The obsession. I am going to leave this blog up as a hopeful message to others who want to get over an affair. It is possible. It just takes time and dedication. I may return here now and again to post something helpful, or if I am feeling weak again. Or god forbid if I get contacted. But here we are... it's been about a year and a half since our last phone contact and I think that's the amount of time it took, roughly, for no contact to last. Four year relationship = at least 1 year, maybe more like 2 years no contact until you stop thinking about him every. single. day. There are whole days when I don't think of him. He is still there in my head, but he doesn't have the power anymore. It's possible girls. Hang in there and thank you for all of your support.

On my trip I started to realize something. I get stressed out in social situations sometimes because I feel like I don't have anything to say. With the old friends we were visiting, that rarely happened. But a lot of what we talked about focused on the past. I caught myself wondering with sadness whether my early 30's were the highlight of my life, and now I'll just live in a boring fog, always gazing back as the past gets blurrier and farther away. It's true that the pain of missing the exAP is fading over time. I spent some time that first morning I was back looking at his wedding pictures. But really, I've found that I just don't want to think about it. And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I'm starting to realize that guy in the photos isn't someone I know now. It's someone from the past. Who is he today? I have less and less of an idea with every day that passes. I know he's human. I know he didn't find total bliss and perfection with...