11.15.2009

Tired of looking back

On my trip I started to realize something. I get stressed out in social situations sometimes because I feel like I don't have anything to say. With the old friends we were visiting, that rarely happened. But a lot of what we talked about focused on the past. I caught myself wondering with sadness whether my early 30's were the highlight of my life, and now I'll just live in a boring fog, always gazing back as the past gets blurrier and farther away. It's true that the pain of missing the exAP is fading over time. I spent some time that first morning I was back looking at his wedding pictures. But really, I've found that I just don't want to think about it. And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I'm starting to realize that guy in the photos isn't someone I know now. It's someone from the past. Who is he today? I have less and less of an idea with every day that passes. I know he's human. I know he didn't find total bliss and perfection with her. And I know he probably still wonders about me from time to time. But my life has gone on just fine without him for the last two years. There are plenty of things in my life that have nothing to do with him, or the places and people he touched in my life. Those are the things I find myself thinking about this week. And I think that's a good sign for my healing.

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