10.08.2010

Coming up on three years since I last saw him

I am still in a good healing place. But tonight I felt I had to come downstairs from trying to fall asleep to get these thoughts on digital paper. He has been quite present in my dreams of late. Not consistently every night, but every week or two he pops up, and it's that amazing feeling of waking up from a dream where you were with your best friend... and then you miss them so much because you didn't really talk to them, and with every waking moment you remember less and less of your reverie. I found myself in bed tonight recognizing something. There is still a piece of me... I'm not prepared to call it small just yet.... but it's a piece that wants to be in another life. It's not just about the exAP either. Tonight what set this off was thinking about something as mundane and banal as furniture and bedding choices. Regretting the poor taste I had when I bought the cheapest thing available without a critical eye to what I want my surroundings to look like... and having this overwhelming thought of, "wouldn't it be kind of cool to just leave and start with a totally clean slate?" I mean, come on. My overly country-themed daybed is bad, but bad enough to make me want to leave a marriage? Maybe there's something else there. And maybe that's why the exAP is coming up in my subconscious again. More after the jump...

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