12.22.2009

Holidays are Hard

Yes, I am thinking about him more during this time. No, it hasn't weakened my resolve to give up stalking him. I've come to a new realization: he will always be in my heart and in my mind, but something happened this year that made me realize he no longer controls them. Happy holidays to all, and stay strong.

12.07.2009

A New Hope...

Girls, it's official. I'm making my New Year's resolution to stop stalking him. Currently I still have several avenues I use to peek in on his life. So far the only continuing temptation has been my friend's email account. God, password hacking is so terrible. I wish I hadn't figured that one out. That will be hard to give up. But I do know this: the thoughts and feelings about him are fading. Significantly. So I think it's a reasonable goal to set for myself.

Last night when laying down to go to bed I had one of my most common thoughts at that time: "oh, let's conjure up an image/scenario involving you and him." When I was in the midst of the affair I would often hate myself at those times, and suspect that it was more habit than any real desire for him. I would think back to the years after we first made a major move away from a group of friends, and I was able to stop obsessing over a male friend from that time period that I had a crush on, and would fantasize about kissing at night. It just fades.

And you know what? ExAP is fading. FADING! He's not gone. But last night, when my brain did that Pavlovian thing? I was able to just swat the thought away. Easily. It felt so good!

Hope is a verb with its sleeves rolled up. Finally, I'm feeling like I've got a fighting chance.

Followers