Songs of the affair

The good news: after the initial shock, I'm taking this engagement news pretty well.

The bad news: I have found myself thinking terrible thoughts though... like, "well, it won't last. I give it 5 years."

How awful is that? But, on to the reason for my post. My affair was filled with music mixes. The classic "mix tape" of my childhood turned into a long exchange of meaningful mix CD's between me and the ex affair partner. As time has gone on, I've realized I ascribed a lot of positive personality traits to him because of the songs he chose. They made him thoughtful, deep, understanding... poetic. I wonder if he realized this and wanted me to stop thinking those things, since one of his song choices was Spoon's "Car Radio." Lyric: "I'm just a user, I don't make any of this stuff." I would tell myself as my heart would swoon to other lyrics that he didn't write any of it, and it didn't mean anything. At various points he would tell me the songs didn't mean anything. Then at others he would admit they did. It was maddening to not know whether to consider them as messages.

But to me, songs are always filled with meaning. Like "Pale Blue Eyes" by the Velvet Underground. Listen and tell me this doesn't mean anything:

What songs made up your affairs?


So he got fucking engaged.

Owwwwwwwwwwww, ouch. OK, if there was ever an argument for staying in the dark about the ex affair partner, this is it. I have of course blocked him on all of my social networking pages. Stupidly I unblocked just to see if he had written on any mutual friends pages. And yes he did. Just yesterday, he wrote that "we have been engaged for almost two weeks now." I don't have anything to say. Just ow. That fucking really hurts. I wish I didn't know it.


It comes in waves

Girls, this has not been a good couple of weeks. I have thought of him in ways I thought were long gone. I dreamt about meeting his parents, and him cuddling me from behind while I did his mother's dishes. I dreamt of us in our own home, and yes... I dreamt of that hot, forbidden sex too. And that led to daydreaming about it. While having sex with my husband. So no, I don't think contacting him right now is a good idea. When will the drug truly be gone?


Reality check

You know the bitch of it all? After all these revelations, all it takes is a sunny summer day to make me want him so bad I can taste it. So bad that body parts get swollen and slick without warning on a drive from point A to point B. Maybe that's too much information, but you ARE reading the dirty and despicable blog, aren't you? This is the truth. Nothing more, nothing less. Even past the one year no contact mark, this can still happen. FYI.