Have a little side of bitter with your Friday. Enjoy.
I am still in a good healing place. But tonight I felt I had to come downstairs from trying to fall asleep to get these thoughts on digital paper. He has been quite present in my dreams of late. Not consistently every night, but every week or two he pops up, and it's that amazing feeling of waking up from a dream where you were with your best friend... and then you miss them so much because you didn't really talk to them, and with every waking moment you remember less and less of your reverie. I found myself in bed tonight recognizing something. There is still a piece of me... I'm not prepared to call it small just yet.... but it's a piece that wants to be in another life. It's not just about the exAP either. Tonight what set this off was thinking about something as mundane and banal as furniture and bedding choices. Regretting the poor taste I had when I bought the cheapest thing available without a critical eye to what I want my surroundings to look like... and having this overwhelming thought of, "wouldn't it be kind of cool to just leave and start with a totally clean slate?" I mean, come on. My overly country-themed daybed is bad, but bad enough to make me want to leave a marriage? Maybe there's something else there. And maybe that's why the exAP is coming up in my subconscious again. More after the jump...
I still feel like I've moved past the ExAP. However, I still find that I am randomly completely obsessed with him, albeit much less frequently. I haven't thought about him this much in at least 6 months, I'd say. My stupid dumb password-knowing usually yields almost no info on him, but I just saw he's visiting the place. Our place. Where we first met and became friends, and where it all happened. The building itself is no longer there. But I know he's got to be thinking back to the past too. In that setting, it would be impossible not to. I find myself missing him at these times in a weird way. Like, in a "how I wish I could just talk to you" way. Of course during the affair and failed no contact, that feeling was always what ruined it. We'd think we could just talk and catch up, with no more relationship stuff, and inevitably we'd end up on each other not too long after that intimate chat. But I guess the point is, I do still care what he's doing, what he's feeling, and I miss him. I know that won't stop. I'm just so grateful he's not in my head every day anymore. I can deal with these bouts smartly. I have almost no fear left that I'll make a bad choice. But I do wonder if something down the road will make our paths cross again, planned or not. And I wonder what I will say. That's probably something I should stop wondering right now...
Hello everyone. I've just edited the blog a bit to hopefully make it more readable. I've inserted jump points in my longer posts so someone scanning for the first time doesn't have to scroll through the longer posts to get a sense for the direction of this whole thing. Another update for you: the universe handed me another password giving me access to info about exAP. I was too weak to not try it. It worked. Now I can see his FB feed whenever I like. I have been relieved that he doesn't post there a lot. How and why do I stop? I can't un-know the login. I didn't pry for it either... it was given to me in a completely unrelated context. I guess I should stop listening so closely. Anyway, I've been checking that about once a week. Ugh. Need to stop. Good news in all of this: he bores me. Also, his power weakens and weakens still. Coming up on the two year anniversary of true no contact in May too!
I can hear the pain and struggling in every word of your comments two posts down. I know how that feels-- to not even know what you are getting out of something, but still need it and crave it so much. I hear you saying a lot of negative things about yourself. You hate who you have become. You don't know how to fix your marriage because it is great already. Um, hello? If you are hating yourself so much, then obviously not all is OK with you.
Well, the Google urge came up tonight girls. So I can't lie, he is still in my head and heart. And what do I find, but a nice huge article all about his wedding and how he proposed and all of that frilly and pain-laden information. The venue they chose was so unique for their town, and the decor so classy, that it got written up in a magazine given to people planning weddings in their town. So it was all about who they chose to do this, and who they chose to do that, blah blah blah.
Girls.... those of you that have been checking in and still reading, thank you. I obviously haven't been here as regularly and haven't posted in a while. I think it might be over. The obsession. I am going to leave this blog up as a hopeful message to others who want to get over an affair. It is possible. It just takes time and dedication. I may return here now and again to post something helpful, or if I am feeling weak again. Or god forbid if I get contacted. But here we are... it's been about a year and a half since our last phone contact and I think that's the amount of time it took, roughly, for no contact to last. Four year relationship = at least 1 year, maybe more like 2 years no contact until you stop thinking about him every. single. day. There are whole days when I don't think of him. He is still there in my head, but he doesn't have the power anymore. It's possible girls. Hang in there and thank you for all of your support.
Happy New Year everyone. I stayed strong on not stalking over the holidays.... for the most part. I had a couple of weak Google moments, and just today I re-opened my FB avenue... and quickly thereafter permanently deleted it. Turns out I had just deactivated it before. At any rate, I've been reading a book by Margaret Atwood called Cat's Eye, and I wanted to share a short passage I came across last night. This really rang true for me... today was just a day of getting stuck in some flotsam while swimming along.