6.21.2010

Random obsession

I still feel like I've moved past the ExAP. However, I still find that I am randomly completely obsessed with him, albeit much less frequently. I haven't thought about him this much in at least 6 months, I'd say. My stupid dumb password-knowing usually yields almost no info on him, but I just saw he's visiting the place. Our place. Where we first met and became friends, and where it all happened. The building itself is no longer there. But I know he's got to be thinking back to the past too. In that setting, it would be impossible not to. I find myself missing him at these times in a weird way. Like, in a "how I wish I could just talk to you" way. Of course during the affair and failed no contact, that feeling was always what ruined it. We'd think we could just talk and catch up, with no more relationship stuff, and inevitably we'd end up on each other not too long after that intimate chat. But I guess the point is, I do still care what he's doing, what he's feeling, and I miss him. I know that won't stop. I'm just so grateful he's not in my head every day anymore. I can deal with these bouts smartly. I have almost no fear left that I'll make a bad choice. But I do wonder if something down the road will make our paths cross again, planned or not. And I wonder what I will say. That's probably something I should stop wondering right now...

10 comments:

  1. I want to post here. But not sure how safe it it. I am not that computer savy. I did open a google account. I didnt us my real name. But used my email address. Can anything be traced back to me.? When i post here will it show up anywhere else.? Just being cautious.:)

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  2. Hello Lost-

    I completely understand your concerns, as I obviously had the same ones! Google is great at keeping your privacy. I haven't had my email address revealed in any of my posts or comments, and I have created the blog through a Google account. You can also post anonymously if you feel better about that. I made that an option on all posts since all of us obviously have similar concerns about identity! Thanks for visiting the blog, I look forward to reading your comments.

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  3. Anonymous7:25 PM

    Hi it is so nice to meet you. Now about me. I was in my affair for many years. I am not sure where i am now. I know that sounds strange. But its true. I was in my affair for 10 yrs. My lover is 20 yrs younger. In 2007 he got divorced. Caught his wife cheating. Still wanted to stay married. She didnt iguess. It was so nice. He had his own house. I told him if he started dating to let me know. Well he didnt. I learned from myspace he was engaged. I was crushed. I am trying now to forget him. But its so hard. I told myself if he found someone. I would walk away. I think he knew that. He told me when i asked him about it. That yes he was seeing someone. He was tired of being lonely. He was alone for 2 yrs. He told me he still wanted to see me. I wont lie. Sometime my body aches for his touches. Last week looking i found his wedding pics. :( He emailed me and told me a baby is on the way. How long do you think it will take me to get over this? I am so tired of being sad. Its like a drug loving him. I know i need to let go. But i cant. I havent had sex since i last saw him. That was over a year ago. He ask me to please not get a new boyfriend. I just dont get it. Oh and another kick in the face for me. He is 38 she is 26 and i am 58. He asked me to leave my marriage years ago. Finally he just stopped asking. I was just affraid too. This is his 3rd marriage. I have been with my hubby since high school. I cant say it was all bad though. I had some good times and awesome sex. I just miss him now. Lost 10 lbs when i learned he had someone. I am lost now. Have no desire for hubby. Lost in 2009 thats me.

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  4. Anonymous4:43 PM

    Today I have made up my mind. I am done. I am done checking my emails. I am done looking for stuff online. He didnt choose me. He promised me wouldnt date. That was a lie. This whole affair was a lie. I wasted 10+ years on this affair. I AM DONE. !!! I need to heal, move on and start being happy. He has to much control. I am taking my life back.:) You are doing great. I cant wait to be where you are. Stay strong sister.!

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  5. Anonymous #1 and #2- be strong, you can get past this. I promise. I was just away for a week vacation with my DH and I only thought about the exAP 1-2 times. You have to stop contacting and stalking. You have to choose your new path forward without the AP. For me, I was happy to discover that my DH still meant something to me and we were able to salvage our love. For you, it sounds like maybe you need to evaluate that as well. What do YOU want? I highly recommend counseling as I would not have been able to do it without my therapist's help. And I do still think about ExAP in inappropriate ways, but he's lost so much power and pull. I'm finally free! Come join me, I know you can do it. (((HUGS))

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  6. Anonymous8:54 PM

    I have choosen my new path. It is a path without him. It has been a month since i have heard from him. This is a good time to keep it that way. I know he will be back. But i wont be around for him. He has another new life. I have been around for most of them. They never work out. This time though he wont have me to fall back on and feel sorry for him. Yep I am done. Thanks for listening.

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  7. Anonymous8:06 PM

    OMG tomorrow is his birthday. Before i would have remember way before this. I would have gotten amd mailed him a card and a gift. This year I didnt think about it until the day before. I think thats a good sign. Right ?

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  8. Good job! Keep up the no contact and you maybe won't even remember his birthday at all next year!

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  9. Anonymous10:06 AM

    I am such a loser. He contacted me and i caved.:( We email back and forth wednesday. I even got a bit happy and excited.I told him how loving him hurt me. I told him he doesnt understand because he never love me. How his being gone for over 14 months hurt me. He said i should never think for a second that he never loved me. Because he did. He misses me and misses talking to me. Geez his baby was born August 28. I just dont get it. Why is he back. Havent heard a thing from him since Wednesday. So here i am checking email looking. I cant go back to this. I am already feeling depressed. We need to take it one day at a time baby is what he said. WTF is wrong with me. I cant even talk to my friends about him contacting me. They are (i dont blame them ) tired of hearing the hurt i suffer. I have never in my life had to get over a man. He is married to a 26 yr old woman, has a new baby. He is 38 and i am 58. Why wont he leave me alone ? The sex cant be that good for him. Hell i have no experience. Maybe it just i am a different piece of ass. What i do know is. I am stronger than i use to be. Not totally there yet. But from what i see he hasnt change. I will have to go no contact again. Try harder this time. Thanks for listening.

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  10. First of all, you are not a loser. Be nice to yourself. For me, a lot of why I needed the exAP was because I had all these deep-seated self-hatred feelings. That I was a loser, ugly, fat, stupid, etc. Stop being negative to yourself. You made a mistake, that's all. What you need to do now is forgive yourself, and cut off all contact. It is the most loving thing you can do for both you and him. There is no future with him. The only appropriate response is, I can only speak with you if you are single and available, and you are not. It's understandable that you wanted to hear he loved you. But now you have that knowledge, and do you feel any better? No, it doesn't change anything. Move on. No contact. BE STRONG! You can do it!!

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