My dirty, despicable, horrible affair

The other day was my 9th wedding anniversary. DH planned a really sweet celebration, which meant a lot since he hadn't recognized the date last year... he was still in the midst of some pretty serious healing then and wasn't ready to make a big deal out of it. So maybe it was the special attention... maybe it was the wine... or maybe it was just the moon. But I felt extremely connected to him and physically attracted to him all night. To the point that I was attacking him under the dinner table before the night was over. We ended the night in passion and it was incredible and fantastic. I slept better that night than I probably have all year.

Girls, this has not been a good couple of weeks. I have thought of him in ways I thought were long gone. I dreamt about meeting his parents, and him cuddling me from behind while I did his mother's dishes. I dreamt of us in our own home, and yes... I dreamt of that hot, forbidden sex too. And that led to daydreaming about it. While having sex with my husband. So no, I don't think contacting him right now is a good idea. When will the drug truly be gone?

Here's the thing. Everyone knows affair sex is hotter, dirtier, more forbidden.... etcetera. So I'm not going to just state the obvious. My question here is, WHY. I've been asking myself this as my husband and I put our physical connections back together. We always had a pretty good sex life before and during the affair. So it wasn't like my satisfaction was lacking. The problem was the interest. I'd see the husband ogling my tits or groping me and my immediate reaction was repulsion and dread. "Please don't let him be interested in sex tonight," I'd think. Then he would be, and somehow I'd get over this invisible hurdle, and be into it at some point. At other points I wouldn't, but for the most part that is our pattern. Husband initiates, I feign interest but am not really interested, and in fact sometimes repulsed, and then at some point the animal instinct kicks in and I enjoy it. So I ask myself: WHY.