10.29.2012

Closing the book....

Once again, thank you to everyone who has read posts here and shared comments on their experiences. I appreciate comments that are both positive and negative. I realize not everyone sees me as a saint- and to the person who called me a "skank," well.... that's OK. I get it.

The point is, I started this blog to help others in the same situation try to avoid some of the mistakes I made, or at least to know how to deal with them and move forward into a more positive place. Yes, I know I made mistakes. I think it's each of our jobs to work on our own failings. A blog can never convey the hurt, pain, guilt, and penance an individual pays out. But let it be known, mistakes come at a cost. To you, and to the people you love. But I've never really been into judging others. I just wanted to try and help. Because making a mistake doesn't make you a horrible person for the rest of your life. You can start being different. You can start being better. Right now.

I wanted to do one final post to let readers know that I am no longer actively checking the comments on a regular basis. I will check in as I can, but the good news is that I rarely think about this anymore at all. My marriage is in a great place and I feel that I have moved past my affair for good.

For those of you looking for advice on what you can do- here are my basic steps that I think apply to most every situation I've read about in the comments over the years:

1. Stop all contact with your exAP. Immediately.
2. This means, whatever email account he/she has for you- delete it. Disable it. Make it vanish. Poof. Gone. Do not look back.
3. Whatever phone number that person has for you, change it.
4. Block the exAP on Facebook. Delete any other social media accounts you have that may tempt you to spy/stalk that person. Tell someone else if it helps you stick to the promise to not stalk that person online. The more time passes, the easier it will get to not try and keep tabs on them.
5. Even if you fail at the above, hold to the next rule steadfastly.....
6. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.... under any circumstances..... never contact your exAP again. Ever.
7. No, not even for that reason.
8. Really? You're still trying to argue you need to tell him/her about THAT? Why? Examine that question for at least as long as you were in the affair before you take any action.
9. If you feel you must reach out, write the letter you envision sending to YOURSELF. Let it sit one week. Read it again. Let it sit one month. Read it again. Let it sit six months. Read it again. I will bet you a lot of money your heart will change the longer you let it sit. It does not need to get sent. Get the words out, but don't send them.
10. If exAP contacts you, tell him/her that you plan to tell your husband/wife everything about the call and everything that they say. STICK TO THIS. They need to know you are no longer on the same "team."
10. Good luck- stay strong and get a good therapist. You can do this.


Peace.

5 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you posted again. My husband discovered my affair this summer and I ran across your blog soon after. He moved out immediately and I'm still trying to figure things out. We still talk and I know how hurt he is. It's an awful feeling and I can't, for the life of me, figure out why I did it. Though our outcomes are different, I still found your thoughts helpful and even kind of comforting. Thank you.

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  2. Hello...I don't know if this will reach you. My affair just ended (for like the 5th time) and I feel like I am dying yet again. I nned something like this forum to get everything out. Although I am a married man and my XAP is a single woman. Anyway, if you can read this message, or know of a forum for someone of my background, please let me know at davemhickey@gmail.com. Thanks!

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  3. Anonymous2:07 PM

    I wish I had seen this blog a long time ago. I was involved in an affair for 5 years. My husband found out September 25th, 2011. What a roller coaster of a ride it has been. I last saw my AP today, at lunch when I walked to a local street fair. At least my stomach doesn't turn ( much ) anymore when I accidently run into him. I used to think the biggest mistake I made was falling for my AP, but now, I think it was thinking that he had fallen for me too.

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  4. Anonymous10:16 PM

    Thank you SO much for chronicling your experience and keeping it out there. I know this has helped many, and I am one. Thank you.

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  5. Anonymous10:44 PM

    I have had a love marriage with a wonderful man and recently we celebrated a decade of togetherness. He is a very nice gentle and loving person, he respects me and has always loved me. Apart from struggles we had while getting married (since families objected) we have a very happy and satisfied marriage. I dont think I can love anybody else the way I love him. And yet few months back I cheated on him. I wasnt seeking any affair, it just happened with one colleague. He is also married, and its pure sexual for both of us. Neither of us looking for anything beyond sex and are happy with our respective lives.

    Sex with my spouse is making love to the person I love, all calming, reassuring, feeling the soul kind of sex. I have a satisfied sexual life with my husband. But the affair sex is hot, the illicit nature gives the feeling of living on the edge, gives the adrenaline rush. I want to end affair to prevent hurt to my spouse. I dont know how and when should I end it. I feel I should carry on for maybe 5-6 months and then end it.

    I know the affair is serving me a purpose. It is helping me overcome the fear of losing my husband early on life, his father died young and I get the debilitating fear of being alone. Since the affair I have stopped obsessing over my fear and stop nagging my husband with respect to his health. I used to constantly ask him if has eaten well, exercised and taking rest between work. I have never obsessed with his whereabouts through the day, even when is away for days for work, but only about health. So how should I end the affair. I often wonder what is wrong with me to have affair when am in madly love with my spouse.

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