5.31.2009

Sleeping on it

I just re-read the letter I wrote to the ex affair partner a few weeks back. The first few nights after sleeping on it, re-reading it was enjoyable. I like re-reading what I've written usually. But now, after that magical real one year mark, and after almost a month of sleeping on it... I tried to re-read it and just couldn't. I kept asking myself, "why did you even write this? He knows all of this and so do you. It's been said." I think there is something new happening in me. Could it be that the drug is finally exiting my system? There might be hope for all of us yet if so.

5.30.2009

You can move past this

To all of you that have made comments... thank you. You have no idea how healing it is to know there are others out there in the same situation. And if my story can help you at all, that is incredible. Someone made it sound like this was some big strong choice I made. I just want to be clear that I didn't make the choice. I was too weak, and I think most of us are. Ending an affair on your own with no pressure, in my opinion, is next to impossible. The other man was like a drug for me. It never would have ended unless I had the train wreck I had. For those of you still in the affair, I guess if you can try to end it, that would certainly be less painful than what I went through. I can tell you that on the other side, after all the pain, it really can be better. I never would have expected that... knowing that if and when my husband found out, things could improve. I wish he hadn't found out in some ways, but in others... I'd still be pretty miserable, so maybe I'm glad he knows now and we were able to move past it. Anyway, thank you for reading and commenting. We can all help heal each other.

5.27.2009

The one year true "no contact" mark after a four year affair

So, sometime in the last month, I hit the true one year no contact mark. The last time I heard from the ex affair partner, he called me at work because he had gotten wind of an email announcement my husband and I drafted together last May. It was a message we decided to jointly send to our mutual friends (friends with us and the ex affair partner) to tell them that the affair happened, and ask them to not mention the ex affair partner to us anymore. We also asked them to keep it confidential. Obviously since he called me about it someone told him... not surprising I guess. We all were part of a pretty close-knit group of friends while the affair was going on. It's been five years or more since we have all lived in the same state, but we knew most of our mutual friends still kept in contact with the ex affair partner. So it follows that one of them was still close enough with him to tell him we had sent the message.

Anyway. Here's what it felt like to hear his voice on the other end of the phone that day last May: panic. Pure panic.

5.22.2009

Friday night moment of truth

Do you want to know the worst part? When I do get turned on all by myself, I think about girls a lot. Is that twisted? I'm sure the ex affair partner thought it was hot. We actually talked about it so I know he did. Have told my husband but he gets threatened. Felt that way before the affair too. I know I'm not totally into women, but there's no denying the turn-on. There, another beautiful thing about the internet. No reason to hide the truth. There it is.

5.19.2009

Speaking Your Mind for Healing

I finished my master's degree on Saturday. I've been working on it part-time since 2006 while working a full time job. In fact, I decided to start it partially because I needed to have something else besides my ex affair partner to think about all the time. (obviously there are other professional reasons as well.) I am extremely proud of finishing my thesis and graduating. In 2007 and 2008 when my husband found out about the affair and my life was falling apart, I thought about quitting school many times. I persisted.

So when I graduated on Saturday, it was a big deal. It was a big deal to me professionally, but also personally... it just felt like the last big "to do" list item in the process of healing from the last year and a half.

So you can imagine how upset I was when my husband didn't even get me a card.

5.11.2009

Considering what might be construed as a mistake

So I have been mentally composing a last letter in my head to the ex affair partner for at least the last year. I've told myself I'm not allowed to even think about sending it until the two year no contact mark has passed. I'm not looking for any reconnection in it, I guess just more so looking for closure. It's really weird stopping all communication with someone who you care for deeply in such an abrupt, disaster-ridden way. So I plan to email and find out where he works now (no idea) and mail him a CD with the letter on it, password protected. No email for him to write back to. I will delete the account I use to get his physical address immediately. I know digital communication ability would make us slide. Anyway, mostly what I am telling him is that I am finally OK, and that I learned how much I hated myself when it was all going on. And hoping he doesn't feel that way, wishing him happiness and peace. Saying while we are in the right place now, I am not beating myself up for what we did anymore. I look back and see it was a mistake, but I also don't regret it because he helped me when I really needed to be helped. Is this a terrible idea? I won't be doing anything with it until November. Lots of nights to sleep on it.

5.08.2009

Married sex vs. affair sex

Here's the thing. Everyone knows affair sex is hotter, dirtier, more forbidden.... etcetera. So I'm not going to just state the obvious. My question here is, WHY. I've been asking myself this as my husband and I put our physical connections back together. We always had a pretty good sex life before and during the affair. So it wasn't like my satisfaction was lacking. The problem was the interest. I'd see the husband ogling my tits or groping me and my immediate reaction was repulsion and dread. "Please don't let him be interested in sex tonight," I'd think. Then he would be, and somehow I'd get over this invisible hurdle, and be into it at some point. At other points I wouldn't, but for the most part that is our pattern. Husband initiates, I feign interest but am not really interested, and in fact sometimes repulsed, and then at some point the animal instinct kicks in and I enjoy it.

So I ask myself: WHY.

5.05.2009

Smashing the lock on the box of bad feelings inside me

My husband was on vacation the last week and a half. He went to go visit with a group of our friends that were all mutual friends with my ex affair partner and us. This is the first time either of us have seen them since we decided to tell them what had happened. We ultimately decided to tell our friends about my affair just to prevent us both pain and discomfort in talking to them. Had we not, we would have probably eventually let those wonderful friendships fade and drift. In the first six painful months after my husband’s discovery of the affair, we told nobody what was happening to us on the advice of our counselor. I’m so grateful for that advice, but it meant every time one of this group of friends would call, they’d say- “we understand, but we don’t have to talk about what’s happening between you two. We can just talk about fun stuff.” And then they’d proceed to share all the updates of my ex affair partner’s life and doings. We eventually stopped answering the phone. (fyi, all of these parties now live in other states, at least a day’s drive away.) At six months post-discovery, we told them just the very basic info: that me and this other person had an affair. Not all of our friends immediately offered their support. Some were incredibly supportive right away. Others didn’t know what to say. One of them was dating the ex affair partner while the affair was going on. Even she and I have been able to reconcile, and eventually all of those bridges were mended.

Years ago, back when we met this group of friends, my husband developed a very flirtatious physical relationship with one of them. He’s always been very flirty and forward, and I’ve never liked it. I would tell him flat out that it hurt me to see him hanging all over other women and making sexual innuendos, but he’d just tell me again and again why I had nothing to worry about and shouldn’t feel that way. Obviously that behavior contributed to putting me in the place I was in when I crossed the line with the ex affair partner. Seeing my husband’s pictures from the trip just now was hard. There were numerous pictures of him and the old female friend, with the two of them draped all over each other.

5.01.2009

So my husband found out about my affair.

Yes. I haven't posted in a long time. For the last year and a half, I've been recovering from that discovery.

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