5.11.2009

Considering what might be construed as a mistake

So I have been mentally composing a last letter in my head to the ex affair partner for at least the last year. I've told myself I'm not allowed to even think about sending it until the two year no contact mark has passed. I'm not looking for any reconnection in it, I guess just more so looking for closure. It's really weird stopping all communication with someone who you care for deeply in such an abrupt, disaster-ridden way. So I plan to email and find out where he works now (no idea) and mail him a CD with the letter on it, password protected. No email for him to write back to. I will delete the account I use to get his physical address immediately. I know digital communication ability would make us slide. Anyway, mostly what I am telling him is that I am finally OK, and that I learned how much I hated myself when it was all going on. And hoping he doesn't feel that way, wishing him happiness and peace. Saying while we are in the right place now, I am not beating myself up for what we did anymore. I look back and see it was a mistake, but I also don't regret it because he helped me when I really needed to be helped. Is this a terrible idea? I won't be doing anything with it until November. Lots of nights to sleep on it.

2 comments:

  1. Anonymous8:39 AM

    an xap from a similar situation says: don't send it. it'll be easier for him to stay away (which is what will help all of you the most) if he associates thinking of you with the pain of no contact. he must heal with others, find his closure in himself...

    for me, any such contact would shake my resolve to help my ex-friends heal by staying away. the feelings would come rushing back and I would re-experience the horrible loss of them both (and the old "gang" as we were, our youth, etc.)

    we (xAPs) are smart enough to read between the lines, given time, but maybe not strong enough to know what to do with kindness from a loved one once we've admitted we're poison to them. stopping hurt, and losing you us always gonna hurt, and you can't fix it. trust him to understand in time, and turn away like we do from a grave.

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  2. Thank god I didn't ever send the letter. I opened it recently when I was "reminiscing" and it seemed even more stupid, needless, and also embarrassing to me. I'm glad I was able to resist. The more time that passes, the more I realize that cutting him off completely was the only way to heal. I imagine for him also.

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