Married sex vs. affair sex

Here's the thing. Everyone knows affair sex is hotter, dirtier, more forbidden.... etcetera. So I'm not going to just state the obvious. My question here is, WHY. I've been asking myself this as my husband and I put our physical connections back together. We always had a pretty good sex life before and during the affair. So it wasn't like my satisfaction was lacking. The problem was the interest. I'd see the husband ogling my tits or groping me and my immediate reaction was repulsion and dread. "Please don't let him be interested in sex tonight," I'd think. Then he would be, and somehow I'd get over this invisible hurdle, and be into it at some point. At other points I wouldn't, but for the most part that is our pattern. Husband initiates, I feign interest but am not really interested, and in fact sometimes repulsed, and then at some point the animal instinct kicks in and I enjoy it.

So I ask myself: WHY.

Why did the ex affair partner's touch and glance, and even voice on the phone make me so wet and ready? And why did I think about sex so much when I was with him that sometimes I would sneak to the bathroom at work to take care of myself? What was it about him that captured so perfectly the match for my libido, whereas my husband did the opposite? And more importantly... this is really the most important thing... why did I come so infrequently with the affair partner? I'd be so turned on, so ready to eat him alive, and then..... most of the time I faked it. Yes, it's horrifying but true. There were a few spectacular times when I did hit the ceiling, but I'd say my batting average with affair sex was about 20% at best. I remained turned on and excited throughout the whole thing, but he was rarely able to push me over the edge. With my husband, I almost NEVER think about wanting to have sex with him, let alone wanting to have sex at all. Yet when we do, it's almost always a home run for me.

Why is this? What was it about that other man that was so exciting yet unfulfilling? And how can I find an attraction to my husband that will match his capacity to satisfy me? It's the one thing I fear is broken forever in this whole thing. For now, my plan is to just endure. After all, it does pay off in the end. Thoughts?


  1. Anonymous4:52 PM

    Oh, do I ever understand. XAP and I were COMPLETELY sexually incompatible - I am
    WAY more adventurous and open, and he only had one or two positions, etc., that worked for him. I think I absolutely disgusted him a few times with things I suggested! And he never, not one single time, took me to the moon, if you will. Every single time was an Academy-award-winning performance on my part. And yet the mere thought of him, a whiff of the cologne that he used, anything sensory like that causes the most visceral reaction in me - STILL. Hot and wet. So you are not alone. I wish I understood it too. It makes ZERO sense, because my husband and I match up pretty well in the sex department - I wasn't lacking anything there when I embarked on the affair.

  2. Anonymous1:27 AM

    I am with you girls on this one. Just the thought of xAP was a sexual turn-on. However, he too was a 2 position guy with little interest in trying new things. Whereas my DH will try anything and do anything for me. Towards the end of the A it was difficult to reach the big "O" with xAP. I think it did a number on his self esteem, yet, he was still unwilling to venture into unchartered territories. However, with my DH I reach climax almost every time; yet, I too am reluctant to begin and at times repulsed. Can't figure this one out.

  3. Thank you both for the comments... it helps so much to know I'm not alone. What's weird is, there is a big difference in both of your stories and the way mine went. For me, the ex affair partner was willing to try anything under the sun. And what we couldn't try or do because it would risk us being found out (ie adding a third person because that person would be at risk to tell on us), we would talk about. In delicious dirty detail. But even with all that stimulation, still very few home runs. A mystery indeed. Maybe being turned on is more about the anticipation than the end reward?

  4. Anonymous10:29 AM

    I am so turned on by my ap like you said just his voice on the phone or his scent make me so ready . Sex with him is wonderful, he's willing to try anything and in fact has brought me out of my shell yet I too could win an academy award. I always have to come home and take care of myself. My H on the other hand is a little more reserved but still willing to try different things but I am not turned on by him at all and sometimes I can't stand for him to even touch me, eventually I do get into it after talking myself into thinking I'm with my ap. After all that my husband always makes me cum. I too am very curious about this.

  5. Anonymous9:19 AM

    I could have written this myself. When I was with XAP, I would CRAVE his touch. I would be trembling because I was so turned on just from kissing him. The foreplay was the best part of it because he never made me cum. I would always fake it and have to do it myself once I was alone. Or even worse, I would be with affair partner to get me all wet and ready, & then come home and have the best sex with my husband. Horrible. But true

  6. Anonymous12:34 AM

    Well yuk. But seriously. You are all ignoring your largest sex organ, your brain. You are comfortable on some level with your husbands, he is stable and you choose to be with him. The ap is just a fantasy, and a dangerous one, that your husband can't compete with in your minds. It is all in your minds dears. You work yourself up for the fantasy of your AP but part of you knows, he is a bit of a shitty human being. After all, he is committing adultery with you. How would your ap really stack up against your H in real life? Would he really be there for you? After all, he cheats. Somewhere in your minds, you are aware of this.

    It can be overcome. I have super hot"affair" sex with my wife. Not all the time but often. Your husbands need to "alpha" up. You need to perceive them as desirable and they can help by not always being available to you and upping their sex rank. If other women are giving your H the eye, he might go up in the desirability department in your minds. My wife didn't cheat but I am very studied on human sexuality and not only does my wife climax during sex, she hunts me down if it has been too long. She doesn't take me for granted, ever! I do the same. What if your husbands started having super hot sex with an AP? Would it hurt? Make you jealous? Mad? Maybe realizing that your spouse could be taken from you, that he has desirable traits, might help? Your ap is high risk, nothing certain, no guarantees and your sex drive is always through the roof trying to please him to ensure he doesn't leave you. You take your H for granted and are repulsed, who would want him? But your mind knows he is safe and your body can relax from the frenzied"affair" state and respond the way it was designed to, with a satisfactory explosion! Food for thought.

  7. Anonymous12:11 PM

    My wife was like this with me. Repulsed, not interested, sex rarely and she just lay there, dry as the Sahara. I did everything for her in and out of bed. Then I found out she was after a younger guy for 2 years who brushed her off - she had written several times in her diary of her obsession with him, including imagining him having sex with her when with me. I found out, was really mad, having batted the advances of her best friend away several times, who is divorced, younger and hotter, and MUCH nicer than she is.

    Now I don't care about her, she is wet for me all the time, and will do anything sexually for me. Get this - I'm not interested - well I shag her, but it is purely sex, the love is gone completely. I want her friend and am going to go for her now.

  8. Anonymous11:43 AM

    Well, I had an affair with an old coworker. All the girls swooned over him. Tall dark and handsome. So years later he popped up online flattering me I felt "Wow!" Ok I fell for it. Handsome and sexy. Kept telling me how great he was in bed. I met him in his car. We had sex for 30 seconds and it died. I sat for 2 minutes while he jacked off. Tried it again but a cop drove by and ended it. Next time I went to his room. He was in a hurry. Went limp. Got up and left. Then he texted me and bragged how great it was. Third time Mr handsome made me wait until the basketball ended. He was drunk. I was dry. Three times he tried and had to jack off. It hurt. He got up and went into the bathroom I guess to beat off. Took 20 minutes for the pain to go away. He said "how was it?" I said "I had better". He said "you know it was good"....last time I saw him. Three times...I didn't orgasm, he didn't orgasm. And then I got caught. Lost my husband for a six foot 3 inch handsome man with a four inch penis (when it stood up) and God awful sex. Was it worth it?