It strikes me lately that I use information about the xAP to batter myself with. I haven't been feeling particularly good about myself this summer. Feeling like I look old, feeling like I am fat (gained almost 10 pounds), and feeling not so worthwhile. When I am feeling that most acutely, I slip and look up info on the xAP. I can't tell... at first I thought I was seeking out the info because he used to be the thing that gave me value. Now, I think I actually do it to damage myself on purpose. I have this new theory that I am my own worst enemy. Sometimes when I listen to the voice inside my head, it is just so damn mean. It tells me I am an ugly, old, fat, retarded loser. And then I secretly remove the block on the xAP on Facebook and look for his posts on other people's walls... and find them. And hate myself infinitely more than I did when I started. What a vicious cycle. I guess I have to hope that the more time passes since we ended contact, the more I will heal myself.
I haven't posted in a while but that doesn't mean I haven't still been processing. It strikes me that hotter summer days make my mind stray back to being deviant. What is it about heat and humidity that make me feel like such a bad girl? I've pretty much abandoned all plans to contact him now that I know he's engaged. And still my mind won't let go. I realized as I found pictures of the new house he just bought online by googling his new fiancee's name and his name that I might be a little sick and twisted to still be tracking him still. It gives me some solace to tell myself he still thinks about me, even if that isn't true. Sorry for a somewhat sad post, but it comes from a somewhat sad mind.