Beating Myself Up
It strikes me lately that I use information about the xAP to batter myself with. I haven't been feeling particularly good about myself this summer. Feeling like I look old, feeling like I am fat (gained almost 10 pounds), and feeling not so worthwhile. When I am feeling that most acutely, I slip and look up info on the xAP. I can't tell... at first I thought I was seeking out the info because he used to be the thing that gave me value. Now, I think I actually do it to damage myself on purpose. I have this new theory that I am my own worst enemy. Sometimes when I listen to the voice inside my head, it is just so damn mean. It tells me I am an ugly, old, fat, retarded loser. And then I secretly remove the block on the xAP on Facebook and look for his posts on other people's walls... and find them. And hate myself infinitely more than I did when I started. What a vicious cycle. I guess I have to hope that the more time passes since we ended contact, the more I will heal myself.