Beating Myself Up

It strikes me lately that I use information about the xAP to batter myself with. I haven't been feeling particularly good about myself this summer. Feeling like I look old, feeling like I am fat (gained almost 10 pounds), and feeling not so worthwhile. When I am feeling that most acutely, I slip and look up info on the xAP. I can't tell... at first I thought I was seeking out the info because he used to be the thing that gave me value. Now, I think I actually do it to damage myself on purpose. I have this new theory that I am my own worst enemy. Sometimes when I listen to the voice inside my head, it is just so damn mean. It tells me I am an ugly, old, fat, retarded loser. And then I secretly remove the block on the xAP on Facebook and look for his posts on other people's walls... and find them. And hate myself infinitely more than I did when I started. What a vicious cycle. I guess I have to hope that the more time passes since we ended contact, the more I will heal myself.

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What I've Learned

The perspective of over three years is astounding. I had insomnia tonight and slept a grand total of about 20 minutes. In the past sleepless nights came with thoughts of our fantasy life together, or replaying steamy scenes from our sordid past. Tonight, here is what I remembered with stunning clarity: each and every time he let me down, and precisely how. Let's review two bookends that serve as nice highlights, shall we? 1. When talking about my mom that had passed just 6 months after our affair started, I remarked that she had been so young. ExAP's comment? "How old was she?" Me: "64." Him: "That's not THAT young." Thanks asshole. 2. When he started dating the girl he's now married to, it was one week after our last tryst. Just over a month after that began, he brought her to a party at our house. The party was supposed to start at 7. Most people didn't get there until 8pm or later. He and the new GF showed up at 5:00pm. DH and

The one year true "no contact" mark after a four year affair

So, sometime in the last month, I hit the true one year no contact mark. The last time I heard from the ex affair partner, he called me at work because he had gotten wind of an email announcement my husband and I drafted together last May. It was a message we decided to jointly send to our mutual friends (friends with us and the ex affair partner) to tell them that the affair happened, and ask them to not mention the ex affair partner to us anymore. We also asked them to keep it confidential. Obviously since he called me about it someone told him... not surprising I guess. We all were part of a pretty close-knit group of friends while the affair was going on. It's been five years or more since we have all lived in the same state, but we knew most of our mutual friends still kept in contact with the ex affair partner. So it follows that one of them was still close enough with him to tell him we had sent the message. Anyway. Here's what it felt like to hear his voice on the oth

My dirty, despicable, horrible affair

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