Yes. I haven't posted in a long time. For the last year and a half, I've been recovering from that discovery.
In between my last posts and discovery date, my life was falling apart from the damage done by this affair. I hope to use this blog to work through some of the impacts and motivations for what I did. I have journaled a lot about it for myself, but I have been wanting to write about it in a place that allows my experience to be shared where it can be useful to others. If this blog makes you feel disgusted and/or judgmental, you probably shouldn't be here. If anything, go ahead and feel free to judge me silently as you read, but please don't comment just to tell me how awful my actions were. That is between me and my husband and trust me, we worked it out and are moving forward together. If you really still feel you need to chastise me, know that I've been pretty stellar at being hard on myself through the whole thing, so I promise I don't need any more help feeling bad about it. Forgiveness is also not what I am here for. I want to be clear that I won't be standing on the soap box and telling other people all about why not to do it. If anything, I am here to try and help people understand why affairs can happen. Why they are human mistakes. I have felt a tremendous amount of self-hatred and loathing through this whole ordeal. Getting to the root of that is so necessary to heal yourself. Even now, there are days I would do anything to go back in time and erase what I did, because it feels like that would be the only way to be "good" again. At the same time, there are days when I look back and see all too clearly why I did it... yet am finally able to forgive myself for that, noting the circumstances. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't claim to know everything, but I believe the human experience is about sharing stories to help one another. There are always lessons learned. That is what I hope to get at in this blog.