10.16.2009

A flame ignited and burned out

The other day was my 9th wedding anniversary. DH planned a really sweet celebration, which meant a lot since he hadn't recognized the date last year... he was still in the midst of some pretty serious healing then and wasn't ready to make a big deal out of it. So maybe it was the special attention... maybe it was the wine... or maybe it was just the moon. But I felt extremely connected to him and physically attracted to him all night. To the point that I was attacking him under the dinner table before the night was over. We ended the night in passion and it was incredible and fantastic. I slept better that night than I probably have all year.

I felt such hope in those feelings. "Ah," I thought. "Back to normalcy. It's not all broken!" But one night later and here I am again in my same old patterns. DH and I went out together last night and I felt the all-too familiar feeling of detachment and disconnection that has been the rule since even before the affair began. Last night wasn't one of those repulsion nights... but I caught myself looking over at him driving the car en route to our destination and wondering, "who is this man that I am sharing my life with? Why are we here together?"

For me so much of what drives that is music. I haven't posted a lot of music yet on this blog but I plan to share more. My husband is attracted to the most mass consumer music you can imagine. If it's on top 40 radio, he loves it and belts out every word each time the song is played and re-played and re-played again during long car rides. I'm more a fan of music that actually means something... music that isn't out there for the masses, but that feeds your soul when you do get to know it.

Has anyone else had an intense artistic connection with their exAP? We traded so many mix CD's over our 4 year affair I lost count... and their lyrics became words we were never able to express to one another. It's become the only language from that relationship I still retain, since I destroyed all of our emails and letters in a desperate act of self-preservation when it was all discovered. Words can soothe and words can slice.... still to this day. And I'm no closer to normal, whatever that may be.

2 comments:

  1. Yup ... many FB music links that only I knew were for me :( trying to forget them

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  2. The music takes on less and less meaning with time. Now some songs literally disgust me when they used to absolutely convince me he was prince charming.

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