Wedding Saturated Fall

Well, today is a day that almost all of my closest friends are together. Two of them are getting married, and DH and I decided not to go to the wedding because we knew exAP would likely be there. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he is in the wedding party. Either way, exAP is there with his girlfriend.... oh wait, no. His fiancee. Yes. The one he will be marrying on October 31st. My stalker ways have never failed me.
And it seems they've sent out their wedding invites too, since items from their registry are starting to get bought. Jesus, listen to me. I am one sick, sad, twisted person. So, here I am... hoping that someone slips and brings me up this weekend in front of him. Puts me into his mind. Although I suspect I'm already there. It's hard to think about that group of people without thinking about our past. So does he have his own scary stalker ways? Does he Google my name? Or my old email alias name where we used to write each other steamy messages? I haven't left him any breadcrumbs there. At least I have one thing to be proud of. Mostly I'm just sitting here thinking how much I have been damaged by the past. And yet, I still want to go back to those behaviors so much. Especially now, knowing where he is.

The worst part is, his damn wedding date is the two year anniversary of the last time I ever saw him. Yep, he brought his girlfriend to our house for a Halloween party two years ago. DH hadn't found out yet. I had decided on my own to try and end it because of the new girlfriend. I avoided him like the plague all that night and got my heart broken every time I looked at the new girl and saw how lovely and fun and pleasant she was. And now he's marrying her two years later. At the end of that night, I was about to be sick in my upstairs bathroom. It was only about 11:30, but I had over-served myself to cope with him being there with the new girl. He snuck upstairs and came into the bathroom. I was in a state. I told him to get out, leave me alone. He touched my leg and told me how hot I was and how much he wanted to fuck me.

We talked many times on the phone after that party and before D-day (DH finding out.) We had been plotting a time to get together again. And now he's marrying her. I've been trying to push it down all summer, but I'm sorry. This just sucks. I hereby decide to be really hurt, confused, and lost for at least the next month while I wait for the new D-day to come and go.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous3:13 PM

    You'll be okay. Do what you need to for the next month. Once the date comes and goes, you might adjust your thinking a little bit. (I did.) Hang in there!