Skip to main content

Permanent alteration of my concept of romance and sex?

This weekend I kind of felt like I was sleepwalking through my life. I've felt like that a lot lately. At the end of one evening, we went out in a boat on the lake by moonlight. It was lovely being with my husband's family, and equally lovely to be out there with my husband... but what pops into my mind? Being out there on that boat alone with the ex-affair partner and taking advantage of that romantic, secluded setting with him. WHY don't I ever think these thoughts about my husband anymore? I mean, I never think about wanting to kiss him, have him approach me, touch me, etcetera. In fact, sometimes when he does touch me it feels more repelling than anything. Once again, I wonder if some parts of me have just been permanently re-wired. Kissing the ex affair partner was like breathing. It felt so natural and wonderful, and I wanted to be doing it all the time. Now I'm just a quiet married woman with no urges or attraction for my husband. It would be easier to hide the awkwardness of that on kids if I had any kids. I'm glad I don't, but sometimes I wonder if fun and loveliness is enough to sustain a marriage. My husband is my best friend and the person I want to go to sleep next to every night. He's the one I want to talk to, the one who knows me best. But he's not the one I want to jump in a boat under the moon all alone. I don't know if he ever will be again.

Comments

  1. Anonymous1:25 PM

    If I remember right, we're about the same amount of time out of this (two years, yes?). I assumed that once the major d-day trauma was past, that the sex thang would start to work itself out. I assumed that the passion would come back. Could come back. I had hope that since we were reconnecting in other ways, that would be reflected in bed.

    I'm still waiting...

    And, I'm losing hope.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes, it's been about two years, almost exactly, since the last time I had sex with the exAP. I'm sorry to hear you are in the same boat. What is wrong with us? I feel like there's a switch in my libido that got snapped off or something. And yet, I still get there once we start. I also can't tell if lack of desire is just something that happens with age, or if it's because of the damage I did to myself through the affair. But I'll tell you what, if exAP showed up, something tells me the juices would be flowing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous2:29 PM

    Yes - a switch. But the switch is faulty or something because yes, still get there once it starts. I would like to pretend it's an age thing, but that can't be true since I wasn't having any trouble before. I think it's mental, not physical. I just wish I knew what to do to fix it. (And could get the idea out of my head that the fix isn't a what, but a who.)

    ReplyDelete
  4. We are very similar. I just keep telling myself that the exAP is only viewable to me through rose-colored glasses. The reality of him is nowhere near my perception of perfect lustful bliss. That's my brain talking. My heart thinks that is total bullshit.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous10:58 AM

    I keep trying to tell myself that I'm just remembering wrong, that in all of the drama and trauma, I made it all out to be better than it was.

    But that's a lie.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The one year true "no contact" mark after a four year affair

So, sometime in the last month, I hit the true one year no contact mark. The last time I heard from the ex affair partner, he called me at work because he had gotten wind of an email announcement my husband and I drafted together last May. It was a message we decided to jointly send to our mutual friends (friends with us and the ex affair partner) to tell them that the affair happened, and ask them to not mention the ex affair partner to us anymore. We also asked them to keep it confidential. Obviously since he called me about it someone told him... not surprising I guess. We all were part of a pretty close-knit group of friends while the affair was going on. It's been five years or more since we have all lived in the same state, but we knew most of our mutual friends still kept in contact with the ex affair partner. So it follows that one of them was still close enough with him to tell him we had sent the message. Anyway. Here's what it felt like to hear his voice on the oth

What I've Learned

The perspective of over three years is astounding. I had insomnia tonight and slept a grand total of about 20 minutes. In the past sleepless nights came with thoughts of our fantasy life together, or replaying steamy scenes from our sordid past. Tonight, here is what I remembered with stunning clarity: each and every time he let me down, and precisely how. Let's review two bookends that serve as nice highlights, shall we? 1. When talking about my mom that had passed just 6 months after our affair started, I remarked that she had been so young. ExAP's comment? "How old was she?" Me: "64." Him: "That's not THAT young." Thanks asshole. 2. When he started dating the girl he's now married to, it was one week after our last tryst. Just over a month after that began, he brought her to a party at our house. The party was supposed to start at 7. Most people didn't get there until 8pm or later. He and the new GF showed up at 5:00pm. DH and