9.07.2009

Permanent alteration of my concept of romance and sex?

This weekend I kind of felt like I was sleepwalking through my life. I've felt like that a lot lately. At the end of one evening, we went out in a boat on the lake by moonlight. It was lovely being with my husband's family, and equally lovely to be out there with my husband... but what pops into my mind? Being out there on that boat alone with the ex-affair partner and taking advantage of that romantic, secluded setting with him. WHY don't I ever think these thoughts about my husband anymore? I mean, I never think about wanting to kiss him, have him approach me, touch me, etcetera. In fact, sometimes when he does touch me it feels more repelling than anything. Once again, I wonder if some parts of me have just been permanently re-wired. Kissing the ex affair partner was like breathing. It felt so natural and wonderful, and I wanted to be doing it all the time. Now I'm just a quiet married woman with no urges or attraction for my husband. It would be easier to hide the awkwardness of that on kids if I had any kids. I'm glad I don't, but sometimes I wonder if fun and loveliness is enough to sustain a marriage. My husband is my best friend and the person I want to go to sleep next to every night. He's the one I want to talk to, the one who knows me best. But he's not the one I want to jump in a boat under the moon all alone. I don't know if he ever will be again.

5 comments:

  1. Anonymous1:25 PM

    If I remember right, we're about the same amount of time out of this (two years, yes?). I assumed that once the major d-day trauma was past, that the sex thang would start to work itself out. I assumed that the passion would come back. Could come back. I had hope that since we were reconnecting in other ways, that would be reflected in bed.

    I'm still waiting...

    And, I'm losing hope.

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  2. Yes, it's been about two years, almost exactly, since the last time I had sex with the exAP. I'm sorry to hear you are in the same boat. What is wrong with us? I feel like there's a switch in my libido that got snapped off or something. And yet, I still get there once we start. I also can't tell if lack of desire is just something that happens with age, or if it's because of the damage I did to myself through the affair. But I'll tell you what, if exAP showed up, something tells me the juices would be flowing.

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  3. Anonymous2:29 PM

    Yes - a switch. But the switch is faulty or something because yes, still get there once it starts. I would like to pretend it's an age thing, but that can't be true since I wasn't having any trouble before. I think it's mental, not physical. I just wish I knew what to do to fix it. (And could get the idea out of my head that the fix isn't a what, but a who.)

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  4. We are very similar. I just keep telling myself that the exAP is only viewable to me through rose-colored glasses. The reality of him is nowhere near my perception of perfect lustful bliss. That's my brain talking. My heart thinks that is total bullshit.

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  5. Anonymous10:58 AM

    I keep trying to tell myself that I'm just remembering wrong, that in all of the drama and trauma, I made it all out to be better than it was.

    But that's a lie.

    ReplyDelete

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