Permanent alteration of my concept of romance and sex?
This weekend I kind of felt like I was sleepwalking through my life. I've felt like that a lot lately. At the end of one evening, we went out in a boat on the lake by moonlight. It was lovely being with my husband's family, and equally lovely to be out there with my husband... but what pops into my mind? Being out there on that boat alone with the ex-affair partner and taking advantage of that romantic, secluded setting with him. WHY don't I ever think these thoughts about my husband anymore? I mean, I never think about wanting to kiss him, have him approach me, touch me, etcetera. In fact, sometimes when he does touch me it feels more repelling than anything. Once again, I wonder if some parts of me have just been permanently re-wired. Kissing the ex affair partner was like breathing. It felt so natural and wonderful, and I wanted to be doing it all the time. Now I'm just a quiet married woman with no urges or attraction for my husband. It would be easier to hide the awkwardness of that on kids if I had any kids. I'm glad I don't, but sometimes I wonder if fun and loveliness is enough to sustain a marriage. My husband is my best friend and the person I want to go to sleep next to every night. He's the one I want to talk to, the one who knows me best. But he's not the one I want to jump in a boat under the moon all alone. I don't know if he ever will be again.