I saw my therapist today... I actually didn't make the appointment just to talk about the engagement situation, but we had time at the end and so I brought it up. She told me that the exAP is always going to do that to me... and my job is to deal with it each time, pack it up and process it, and put him back on the shelf where he belongs. Then when he gets brought back into the front of my mind through an event like this or any other, just expect that it will make you get that drug rush that was the hot forbidden side of the affair. Wait it out, process it how you can, don't do anything stupid... and this too shall pass. It helped me to hear her perspective, and to know that even if it only applies and rings true for me today, I can come back to this pattern and just know each time I feel a relapse, I just need to do what I'm doing now. Write about it, think about it, let it pass. Thank you all for listening.
The perspective of over three years is astounding. I had insomnia tonight and slept a grand total of about 20 minutes. In the past sleepless nights came with thoughts of our fantasy life together, or replaying steamy scenes from our sordid past. Tonight, here is what I remembered with stunning clarity: each and every time he let me down, and precisely how. Let's review two bookends that serve as nice highlights, shall we? 1. When talking about my mom that had passed just 6 months after our affair started, I remarked that she had been so young. ExAP's comment? "How old was she?" Me: "64." Him: "That's not THAT young." Thanks asshole. 2. When he started dating the girl he's now married to, it was one week after our last tryst. Just over a month after that began, he brought her to a party at our house. The party was supposed to start at 7. Most people didn't get there until 8pm or later. He and the new GF showed up at 5:00pm. DH and ...
Thanks for this post. I need to remind myself of the same.
ReplyDeleteI must get back into therapy.
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