Here's the thing. Everyone knows affair sex is hotter, dirtier, more forbidden.... etcetera. So I'm not going to just state the obvious. My question here is, WHY. I've been asking myself this as my husband and I put our physical connections back together. We always had a pretty good sex life before and during the affair. So it wasn't like my satisfaction was lacking. The problem was the interest. I'd see the husband ogling my tits or groping me and my immediate reaction was repulsion and dread. "Please don't let him be interested in sex tonight," I'd think. Then he would be, and somehow I'd get over this invisible hurdle, and be into it at some point. At other points I wouldn't, but for the most part that is our pattern. Husband initiates, I feign interest but am not really interested, and in fact sometimes repulsed, and then at some point the animal instinct kicks in and I enjoy it. So I ask myself: WHY.
It's a really terrible idea. Don't do it. He can't say anything you need to hear, and it will just re-open the wound.
ReplyDeleteI know it's tempting - I do. But it will only hurt you more.
I think I'm past the urge now. It was really strong over the weekend. Not to say it won't come back... but for now, I rode the initial wave and landed safely here in no contact land still. You are right. God, why is that so hard to see and understand sometimes?
ReplyDeleteIt does seem to come in waves. Some days are much harder than others, that's for sure. Some days it feels like a death march, grimly watching each minute go by on the clock, battling the urge, waiting until you're with DH and can't make contact. I didn't expect it to still be this hard some days, this far out.
ReplyDeleteI didn't either. You're helping me though... I hope it helps you to have someone in a similar situation to talk to.
ReplyDeleteIt does help - thanks for being brave enough to "put it out here".
ReplyDeleteI've done all the right things. Followed the party line. Am down with the program.
I've watched it work for others. But nobody really wants to talk about what happens when it doesn't work...
I wish it did work. I wish my heart was on board with my brain. Because my brain has some really good points. But god DAMN I miss that rush. I know it wouldn't have lasted with him. Blah blah blah, meanwhile I continue to obsess about his upcoming wedding and ask myself if I made the biggest mistake of my life.
ReplyDeleteYes. Me too. Our stories are very similar. Sigh.
ReplyDelete