Yes, I am thinking about him more during this time. No, it hasn't weakened my resolve to give up stalking him. I've come to a new realization: he will always be in my heart and in my mind, but something happened this year that made me realize he no longer controls them. Happy holidays to all, and stay strong.
Here's the thing. Everyone knows affair sex is hotter, dirtier, more forbidden.... etcetera. So I'm not going to just state the obvious. My question here is, WHY. I've been asking myself this as my husband and I put our physical connections back together. We always had a pretty good sex life before and during the affair. So it wasn't like my satisfaction was lacking. The problem was the interest. I'd see the husband ogling my tits or groping me and my immediate reaction was repulsion and dread. "Please don't let him be interested in sex tonight," I'd think. Then he would be, and somehow I'd get over this invisible hurdle, and be into it at some point. At other points I wouldn't, but for the most part that is our pattern. Husband initiates, I feign interest but am not really interested, and in fact sometimes repulsed, and then at some point the animal instinct kicks in and I enjoy it. So I ask myself: WHY.
Well said. My New Year resolution is no more cyber-stalking. I have to let every bit of him go so I can be whole again.
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Does your husband know you were obsessed with your AP this much all this time after it ended? My guess is not seeing as in previous posts you seem comfortable lying to him. Why did you beg your husband to stay? (I'm guessing that's how it happened based on one previous post, though you never said specifically.) I think the decent thing to do would have been to let your husband go so he could have found a woman who really cares about him.
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