4.12.2012

Processing the past with music

Sometimes listening to my iPod in the car one of the songs comes on. THE songs. They were more than just music. We traded them back and forth like messages in a bottle to one another in emotionally encoded mix CD's that meant something, but weren't supposed to mean something.... if asked, that is what you'd say, anyway. We had to be cool about our sordid affair. Nobody was supposed to really care about one another. Most of the time anymore I skip past these songs. I'm not there anymore. It's a chapter of my life I've largely closed. But sometimes I like to revisit these dogeared sections of the difficult past. There are times it really helps me relive the powerful AHA moment of realizing, I'm done with it. And I know why. And I've forgiven myself, and him, for everything. This is actually one I came across after the last contact. It wasn't something I ever gave to him... maybe that's why I'm still able to stomach it, and get something out of it. Hope you enjoy. Best line: "At the end of the year, when the cliffs rise up behind you, and the stream runs in circles, from the chasm to the core, and the sun comes in tears, cause the gardener did not find you, will you bloom bright and fierce? Will you know- you don't need him anymore?" -Dave Carter and Tracy Grammer Blooming bright and fierce. Harebell

3 comments:

  1. Anonymous10:43 AM

    You are trash. All this whinning about you and your AP. What about the damage to your H. Your blogs overwhelmingly still lament the loss of your AP.

    You should be alone and miserable for all the hurt you have inflicted agianst the ones who loved you.

    You have forgiven yourelf and your AP, how generous of you. Skank!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous7:13 AM

    Hi,

    I just found your blog and wanted to say thank you. I'm still reading through it and although some of the finer details are different, it's come as somewhat of a relief that how I feel about myself and mine is not unusual or unique. My affair has been going on forever. H and I have been together for 13 years, married for just 3 months. For the whole duration of our time together, and before we ever even got together, I have been having a sometimes sexual, sometimes emotional affair with my AP. Currently, the last time we slept together was some 8 years ago, however never a week goes past without us talking almost every day. It starts innocently enough, then invariably descends into sex. I can't give him up, no matter how hard I try. It's like I am addicted to him. Your blog has special resonance with me today as I have just made a playlist for myself to listen to in the car, which follows our story. I fully understand how sick and wrong this is, believe me. How do I wean myself off him? And yes, as always with these things, he doesn't love me, doesn't feel the same about me, and certainly doesn't care about my feelings. But he is often the one who initiates converstions and will almost relentlessly email and text if I try to call an end. What is wrong with me?! I'm 32, degree educated in a great job but am thoroughly addicted to this guy (who is older than me, if that is at all relevant). The thought of not talking to him anymore makes me feel sick, but the thought of H finding out makes me feel sicker still, he would be absolutely devastated. Oh, what a tangled web we weave...
    Thank you again. I'm hoping further reading of what you've been through will help me try and et my head straight.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unfortunately there is no weaning. Go cold turkey: no contact. It is the only way. Good luck.

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