Girls, this has not been a good couple of weeks. I have thought of him in ways I thought were long gone. I dreamt about meeting his parents, and him cuddling me from behind while I did his mother's dishes. I dreamt of us in our own home, and yes... I dreamt of that hot, forbidden sex too. And that led to daydreaming about it. While having sex with my husband. So no, I don't think contacting him right now is a good idea. When will the drug truly be gone?
Here's the thing. Everyone knows affair sex is hotter, dirtier, more forbidden.... etcetera. So I'm not going to just state the obvious. My question here is, WHY. I've been asking myself this as my husband and I put our physical connections back together. We always had a pretty good sex life before and during the affair. So it wasn't like my satisfaction was lacking. The problem was the interest. I'd see the husband ogling my tits or groping me and my immediate reaction was repulsion and dread. "Please don't let him be interested in sex tonight," I'd think. Then he would be, and somehow I'd get over this invisible hurdle, and be into it at some point. At other points I wouldn't, but for the most part that is our pattern. Husband initiates, I feign interest but am not really interested, and in fact sometimes repulsed, and then at some point the animal instinct kicks in and I enjoy it. So I ask myself: WHY.
I found your blog...and I've read every entry. I am a married female who was having an affair with a single man. It's been 3 months of no contact...and it's been HELL. I've been married for almost 9 years, and I has having an affair with this man for 6 of those. I feel horrible about it...but on the flip side, I was crazy in love with him. He couldn't wait for me anymore, so he shut me down completely. I totally understand where you're coming from...and this weather, yeah it makes me think of my AP also. I broke NC yesterday and sent a "friendly" email to him. Then felt like an ASS afterwards. *SIGH*
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I wanted to let you know that your page hasn't gone unnoticed in "Cyber space", LOL! Just knowing there's other women like me out there, helps more than you know.
Thank you, it's good to know I might be helping people... honestly, I know about the hell. Trust me. I'm sorry, I know it sucks. I have been trying to just tell myself to wait at least a week before doing any thought that pops into my mind... giving yourself a long time to think about something before doing it seems to be the only way. But, for me that behavior was forced since my husband found out and I pretty much had to come clean. I wish you the best of luck. I hope we can help each other. Don't feel like an ass... we all do those things. It's just so hard. Love and lust are pretty compelling things. Thanks again for the comment.
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