My dirty, despicable, horrible affair

The perspective of over three years is astounding. I had insomnia tonight and slept a grand total of about 20 minutes. In the past sleepless nights came with thoughts of our fantasy life together, or replaying steamy scenes from our sordid past. Tonight, here is what I remembered with stunning clarity: each and every time he let me down, and precisely how. Let's review two bookends that serve as nice highlights, shall we? 1. When talking about my mom that had passed just 6 months after our affair started, I remarked that she had been so young. ExAP's comment? "How old was she?" Me: "64." Him: "That's not THAT young." Thanks asshole. 2. When he started dating the girl he's now married to, it was one week after our last tryst. Just over a month after that began, he brought her to a party at our house. The party was supposed to start at 7. Most people didn't get there until 8pm or later. He and the new GF showed up at 5:00pm. DH and ...

I am still in a good healing place. But tonight I felt I had to come downstairs from trying to fall asleep to get these thoughts on digital paper. He has been quite present in my dreams of late. Not consistently every night, but every week or two he pops up, and it's that amazing feeling of waking up from a dream where you were with your best friend... and then you miss them so much because you didn't really talk to them, and with every waking moment you remember less and less of your reverie. I found myself in bed tonight recognizing something. There is still a piece of me... I'm not prepared to call it small just yet.... but it's a piece that wants to be in another life. It's not just about the exAP either. Tonight what set this off was thinking about something as mundane and banal as furniture and bedding choices. Regretting the poor taste I had when I bought the cheapest thing available without a critical eye to what I want my surroundings to look like... and ha...

Girls, it's official. I'm making my New Year's resolution to stop stalking him. Currently I still have several avenues I use to peek in on his life. So far the only continuing temptation has been my friend's email account. God, password hacking is so terrible. I wish I hadn't figured that one out. That will be hard to give up. But I do know this: the thoughts and feelings about him are fading. Significantly. So I think it's a reasonable goal to set for myself. Last night when laying down to go to bed I had one of my most common thoughts at that time: "oh, let's conjure up an image/scenario involving you and him." When I was in the midst of the affair I would often hate myself at those times, and suspect that it was more habit than any real desire for him. I would think back to the years after we first made a major move away from a group of friends, and I was able to stop obsessing over a male friend from that time period that I had a crush on, and ...