My dirty, despicable, horrible affair

Hello everyone. I've just edited the blog a bit to hopefully make it more readable. I've inserted jump points in my longer posts so someone scanning for the first time doesn't have to scroll through the longer posts to get a sense for the direction of this whole thing. Another update for you: the universe handed me another password giving me access to info about exAP. I was too weak to not try it. It worked. Now I can see his FB feed whenever I like. I have been relieved that he doesn't post there a lot. How and why do I stop? I can't un-know the login. I didn't pry for it either... it was given to me in a completely unrelated context. I guess I should stop listening so closely. Anyway, I've been checking that about once a week. Ugh. Need to stop. Good news in all of this: he bores me. Also, his power weakens and weakens still. Coming up on the two year anniversary of true no contact in May too!

I can hear the pain and struggling in every word of your comments two posts down. I know how that feels-- to not even know what you are getting out of something, but still need it and crave it so much. I hear you saying a lot of negative things about yourself. You hate who you have become. You don't know how to fix your marriage because it is great already. Um, hello? If you are hating yourself so much, then obviously not all is OK with you.

Well, the Google urge came up tonight girls. So I can't lie, he is still in my head and heart. And what do I find, but a nice huge article all about his wedding and how he proposed and all of that frilly and pain-laden information. The venue they chose was so unique for their town, and the decor so classy, that it got written up in a magazine given to people planning weddings in their town. So it was all about who they chose to do this, and who they chose to do that, blah blah blah. Fuckers.

Girls.... those of you that have been checking in and still reading, thank you. I obviously haven't been here as regularly and haven't posted in a while. I think it might be over. The obsession. I am going to leave this blog up as a hopeful message to others who want to get over an affair. It is possible. It just takes time and dedication. I may return here now and again to post something helpful, or if I am feeling weak again. Or god forbid if I get contacted. But here we are... it's been about a year and a half since our last phone contact and I think that's the amount of time it took, roughly, for no contact to last. Four year relationship = at least 1 year, maybe more like 2 years no contact until you stop thinking about him every. single. day. There are whole days when I don't think of him. He is still there in my head, but he doesn't have the power anymore. It's possible girls. Hang in there and thank you for all of your support.

Happy New Year everyone. I stayed strong on not stalking over the holidays.... for the most part. I had a couple of weak Google moments, and just today I re-opened my FB avenue... and quickly thereafter permanently deleted it. Turns out I had just deactivated it before. At any rate, I've been reading a book by Margaret Atwood called Cat's Eye , and I wanted to share a short passage I came across last night. This really rang true for me... today was just a day of getting stuck in some flotsam while swimming along.

Yes, I am thinking about him more during this time. No, it hasn't weakened my resolve to give up stalking him. I've come to a new realization: he will always be in my heart and in my mind, but something happened this year that made me realize he no longer controls them. Happy holidays to all, and stay strong.

I just erased one of my avenues to spy on the exAP. Poof. Feels good.