My dirty, despicable, horrible affair

Well, the Google urge came up tonight girls. So I can't lie, he is still in my head and heart. And what do I find, but a nice huge article all about his wedding and how he proposed and all of that frilly and pain-laden information. The venue they chose was so unique for their town, and the decor so classy, that it got written up in a magazine given to people planning weddings in their town. So it was all about who they chose to do this, and who they chose to do that, blah blah blah. Fuckers.

Girls.... those of you that have been checking in and still reading, thank you. I obviously haven't been here as regularly and haven't posted in a while. I think it might be over. The obsession. I am going to leave this blog up as a hopeful message to others who want to get over an affair. It is possible. It just takes time and dedication. I may return here now and again to post something helpful, or if I am feeling weak again. Or god forbid if I get contacted. But here we are... it's been about a year and a half since our last phone contact and I think that's the amount of time it took, roughly, for no contact to last. Four year relationship = at least 1 year, maybe more like 2 years no contact until you stop thinking about him every. single. day. There are whole days when I don't think of him. He is still there in my head, but he doesn't have the power anymore. It's possible girls. Hang in there and thank you for all of your support.

Happy New Year everyone. I stayed strong on not stalking over the holidays.... for the most part. I had a couple of weak Google moments, and just today I re-opened my FB avenue... and quickly thereafter permanently deleted it. Turns out I had just deactivated it before. At any rate, I've been reading a book by Margaret Atwood called Cat's Eye , and I wanted to share a short passage I came across last night. This really rang true for me... today was just a day of getting stuck in some flotsam while swimming along.

Yes, I am thinking about him more during this time. No, it hasn't weakened my resolve to give up stalking him. I've come to a new realization: he will always be in my heart and in my mind, but something happened this year that made me realize he no longer controls them. Happy holidays to all, and stay strong.

I just erased one of my avenues to spy on the exAP. Poof. Feels good.

Girls, it's official. I'm making my New Year's resolution to stop stalking him. Currently I still have several avenues I use to peek in on his life. So far the only continuing temptation has been my friend's email account. God, password hacking is so terrible. I wish I hadn't figured that one out. That will be hard to give up. But I do know this: the thoughts and feelings about him are fading. Significantly. So I think it's a reasonable goal to set for myself. Last night when laying down to go to bed I had one of my most common thoughts at that time: "oh, let's conjure up an image/scenario involving you and him." When I was in the midst of the affair I would often hate myself at those times, and suspect that it was more habit than any real desire for him. I would think back to the years after we first made a major move away from a group of friends, and I was able to stop obsessing over a male friend from that time period that I had a crush on, and ...

I just read an incredible article in the New York Times magazine about a study being done of women who have seemingly lost their sexual desire... I thought all of you would enjoy it. Here's a little teaser paragraph: "Brotto is dealing in the domain of the mind, or in the mind’s relationship to the body, not in a problem with the body itself. Beneath Klimt’s couple, she opened yellow case folders and described the desolation and bewilderment recorded in her notes. She spoke about a woman in her 40s who, years ago, had sex with her husband as often as seven times in a day but who now, more than a decade into a marriage with this still-handsome man, cringes at the very same gesture, the very same touch to her back, that once electrified her. Two or three months might go by now without their having sex. “It’s fine for me not to have sex at all,” Brotto quoted the wife, and commented, “I hear that from a lot of women.” And yet, at the same time, the lack of libido isn’t fine at al...