My dirty, despicable, horrible affair

OK, now this is pretty despicable. One of my best friends in the world, who also happens to be one of the exAP's long ago ex girlfriends, has given me a link to information. WHY would she do that, you ask? Well, she didn't. I did. I won't get into detail, but through a weird chain of events I was reminded of what her email password is, since I had logged in for her once when we were sitting together to look at pictures or something. So I tried it and.... bingo. That is pretty terrible, isn't it? To go into your friend's email.

Well, today is a day that almost all of my closest friends are together. Two of them are getting married, and DH and I decided not to go to the wedding because we knew exAP would likely be there. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he is in the wedding party. Either way, exAP is there with his girlfriend.... oh wait, no. His fiancee. Yes. The one he will be marrying on October 31st. My stalker ways have never failed me.

Make it through the day. Make it through the week. Make it through the month. Make it through another year. God, sometimes it is just so bad. Other times I don't think of him at all. I truly view myself as a recovering drug addict. He is still in my system at a dangerous level, in my opinion. Just have to wait it out. The fact that a new day can mean a new attitude is about the only hopeful thing I can find in all of this. It keeps me strong.

I'm thinking about contacting him. Just a quick email from my school account, which will be closed automatically by the school in about 3 months. Hi, I heard your good news. Just wanted to say congratulations and I wish you the best. This is a TERRIBLE idea. Right? Someone talk me down.

This weekend I kind of felt like I was sleepwalking through my life. I've felt like that a lot lately. At the end of one evening, we went out in a boat on the lake by moonlight. It was lovely being with my husband's family, and equally lovely to be out there with my husband... but what pops into my mind? Being out there on that boat alone with the ex-affair partner and taking advantage of that romantic, secluded setting with him. WHY don't I ever think these thoughts about my husband anymore? I mean, I never think about wanting to kiss him, have him approach me, touch me, etcetera. In fact, sometimes when he does touch me it feels more repelling than anything. Once again, I wonder if some parts of me have just been permanently re-wired. Kissing the ex affair partner was like breathing. It felt so natural and wonderful, and I wanted to be doing it all the time. Now I'm just a quiet married woman with no urges or attraction for my husband. It would be easier to hide the a...

I don't feel like I am healing and learning tonight. I feel like this thing that I did has permanently ruined me. Why else would it be that some nights I sit in bed filled with anxiety for no good reason? Or sit there thinking of him when I have my perfectly good life in front of me, the one I begged and scratched and clawed and pleaded to have back not too long ago? It makes me question myself. It makes me wonder if a thing won't leave your mind because it's good and it meant something, or if a thing won't leave your mind because you are stupid and crazy. I know what I'd come to in therapy. That it was good and it did mean something, and it's OK to be sad. But it's over now, and we all move on. But there is this irritating part of my soul that has made it clear it is NEVER moving on. So what do I do with that stubborn bitch at 2:30 in the morning? I'd like to clock her in the jaw and tell her to go the fuck to sleep already.

It strikes me lately that I use information about the xAP to batter myself with. I haven't been feeling particularly good about myself this summer. Feeling like I look old, feeling like I am fat (gained almost 10 pounds), and feeling not so worthwhile. When I am feeling that most acutely, I slip and look up info on the xAP. I can't tell... at first I thought I was seeking out the info because he used to be the thing that gave me value. Now, I think I actually do it to damage myself on purpose. I have this new theory that I am my own worst enemy. Sometimes when I listen to the voice inside my head, it is just so damn mean. It tells me I am an ugly, old, fat, retarded loser. And then I secretly remove the block on the xAP on Facebook and look for his posts on other people's walls... and find them. And hate myself infinitely more than I did when I started. What a vicious cycle. I guess I have to hope that the more time passes since we ended contact, the more I will heal myself...