The perspective of over three years is astounding. I had insomnia tonight and slept a grand total of about 20 minutes. In the past sleepless nights came with thoughts of our fantasy life together, or replaying steamy scenes from our sordid past. Tonight, here is what I remembered with stunning clarity: each and every time he let me down, and precisely how. Let's review two bookends that serve as nice highlights, shall we? 1. When talking about my mom that had passed just 6 months after our affair started, I remarked that she had been so young. ExAP's comment? "How old was she?" Me: "64." Him: "That's not THAT young." Thanks asshole. 2. When he started dating the girl he's now married to, it was one week after our last tryst. Just over a month after that began, he brought her to a party at our house. The party was supposed to start at 7. Most people didn't get there until 8pm or later. He and the new GF showed up at 5:00pm. DH and ...
It's a really terrible idea. Don't do it. He can't say anything you need to hear, and it will just re-open the wound.
ReplyDeleteI know it's tempting - I do. But it will only hurt you more.
I think I'm past the urge now. It was really strong over the weekend. Not to say it won't come back... but for now, I rode the initial wave and landed safely here in no contact land still. You are right. God, why is that so hard to see and understand sometimes?
ReplyDeleteIt does seem to come in waves. Some days are much harder than others, that's for sure. Some days it feels like a death march, grimly watching each minute go by on the clock, battling the urge, waiting until you're with DH and can't make contact. I didn't expect it to still be this hard some days, this far out.
ReplyDeleteI didn't either. You're helping me though... I hope it helps you to have someone in a similar situation to talk to.
ReplyDeleteIt does help - thanks for being brave enough to "put it out here".
ReplyDeleteI've done all the right things. Followed the party line. Am down with the program.
I've watched it work for others. But nobody really wants to talk about what happens when it doesn't work...
I wish it did work. I wish my heart was on board with my brain. Because my brain has some really good points. But god DAMN I miss that rush. I know it wouldn't have lasted with him. Blah blah blah, meanwhile I continue to obsess about his upcoming wedding and ask myself if I made the biggest mistake of my life.
ReplyDeleteYes. Me too. Our stories are very similar. Sigh.
ReplyDelete