tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-356385232024-03-08T08:33:35.457-06:00My dirty, despicable, horrible affairMovin on up...Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.comBlogger58125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-71018558211270076602012-10-29T21:20:00.000-05:002012-10-29T21:20:06.085-05:00Closing the book....Once again, thank you to everyone who has read posts here and shared comments on their experiences. I appreciate comments that are both positive and negative. I realize not everyone sees me as a saint- and to the person who called me a "skank," well.... that's OK. I get it.<BR><BR> The point is, I started this blog to help others in the same situation try to avoid some of the mistakes I made, or at least to know how to deal with them and move forward into a more positive place. Yes, I know I made mistakes. I think it's each of our jobs to work on our own failings. A blog can never convey the hurt, pain, guilt, and penance an individual pays out. But let it be known, mistakes come at a cost. To you, and to the people you love. But I've never really been into judging others. I just wanted to try and help. Because making a mistake doesn't make you a horrible person for the rest of your life. You can start being different. You can start being better. Right now.<BR><BR> I wanted to do one final post to let readers know that I am no longer actively checking the comments on a regular basis. I will check in as I can, but the good news is that I rarely think about this anymore at all. My marriage is in a great place and I feel that I have moved past my affair for good.<BR><BR>
For those of you looking for advice on what you can do- here are my basic steps that I think apply to most every situation I've read about in the comments over the years:<BR><BR>
1. Stop all contact with your exAP. Immediately.<BR>
2. This means, whatever email account he/she has for you- delete it. Disable it. Make it vanish. Poof. Gone. Do not look back. <BR>
3. Whatever phone number that person has for you, change it.<BR>
4. Block the exAP on Facebook. Delete any other social media accounts you have that may tempt you to spy/stalk that person. Tell someone else if it helps you stick to the promise to not stalk that person online. The more time passes, the easier it will get to not try and keep tabs on them.<BR>
5. Even if you fail at the above, hold to the next rule steadfastly.....<BR>
6. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.... under any circumstances..... never contact your exAP again. Ever.<BR>
7. No, not even for that reason.<BR>
8. Really? You're still trying to argue you need to tell him/her about THAT? Why? Examine that question for at least as long as you were in the affair before you take any action.<BR>
9. If you feel you must reach out, write the letter you envision sending to YOURSELF. Let it sit one week. Read it again. Let it sit one month. Read it again. Let it sit six months. Read it again. I will bet you a lot of money your heart will change the longer you let it sit. It does not need to get sent. Get the words out, but don't send them.<BR>
10. If exAP contacts you, tell him/her that you plan to tell your husband/wife everything about the call and everything that they say. STICK TO THIS. They need to know you are no longer on the same "team." <BR>
10. Good luck- stay strong and get a good therapist. You can do this.<BR>
<BR><BR>
Peace.Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-28861466224661539612012-04-12T22:43:00.000-05:002012-04-12T22:43:16.275-05:00Processing the past with musicSometimes listening to my iPod in the car one of the songs comes on. THE songs. They were more than just music. We traded them back and forth like messages in a bottle to one another in emotionally encoded mix CD's that meant something, but weren't supposed to mean something.... if asked, that is what you'd say, anyway. We had to be cool about our sordid affair. Nobody was supposed to really care about one another. Most of the time anymore I skip past these songs. I'm not there anymore. It's a chapter of my life I've largely closed. But sometimes I like to revisit these dogeared sections of the difficult past. There are times it really helps me relive the powerful AHA moment of realizing, I'm done with it. And I know why. And I've forgiven myself, and him, for everything. This is actually one I came across after the last contact. It wasn't something I ever gave to him... maybe that's why I'm still able to stomach it, and get something out of it. Hope you enjoy.
Best line:
<I>"At the end of the year, when the cliffs rise up behind you, and the stream runs in circles, from the chasm to the core, and the sun comes in tears, cause the gardener did not find you, will you bloom bright and fierce? Will you know- you don't need him anymore?"</I>
-Dave Carter and Tracy Grammer
<iframe width="360" height="200" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/FvKGDcblLTk" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Blooming bright and fierce.
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/jenkob/3805426792/"><img src="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3559/3805426792_33199ae479_m.jpg" width="240" height="180" alt="Harebell"></a>Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-4249558598155170842012-02-26T17:20:00.000-06:002012-02-26T17:20:51.991-06:00<iframe width="360" Height= "200" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/8UVNT4wvIGY" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-31766929734512830612011-10-16T02:57:00.003-05:002011-10-16T02:57:41.515-05:00He's having a baby.Yep. It hurts. Not as much as it might have, once... but it hurts. Damned information chain.Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-30737519688040807642011-07-13T19:08:00.001-05:002011-07-13T19:08:10.178-05:00Fade to blurI thought of the AP today randomly and realized.... I can't even clearly picture his face anymore. That feels so freeing.Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-84652550060492817702011-04-26T01:26:00.002-05:002011-04-26T01:26:32.487-05:00Hope in the WorldWhy haven't I posted? He's gone. Not completely but I have not thought of him in months. MONTHS! Not days. Not weeks. M-O-N-T-H-S. Let's keep this short and sweet. You can get there too. Time is your friend. I'm glad my story can help any of you out there, on either side of the painful equation of an affair. Hang in there and happy spring!Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-88247650747883011052011-01-03T05:36:00.000-06:002011-01-03T05:36:24.731-06:00What I've LearnedThe perspective of over three years is astounding. I had insomnia tonight and slept a grand total of about 20 minutes. In the past sleepless nights came with thoughts of our fantasy life together, or replaying steamy scenes from our sordid past. Tonight, here is what I remembered with stunning clarity: each and every time he let me down, and precisely how. Let's review two bookends that serve as nice highlights, shall we?<br />
<br />
1. When talking about my mom that had passed just 6 months after our affair started, I remarked that she had been so young. ExAP's comment? "How old was she?" Me: "64." Him: "That's not THAT young."<br />
<br />
Thanks asshole.<br />
<br />
2. When he started dating the girl he's now married to, it was one week after our last tryst. Just over a month after that began, he brought her to a party at our house. The party was supposed to start at 7. Most people didn't get there until 8pm or later. He and the new GF showed up at 5:00pm. DH and I had to chitchat with them the whole time. I began drinking myself into a stupor right then.<br />
<br />
He started an asshole, and never changed. I'm so glad I don't have him in my life. I'm so glad I got away from him and realized what a wonderful, good man DH is. I'm so glad I don't waste any more of my precious time fantasizing about the man exAP never was.<br />
<br />
I may still have my sleepless nights, but I can still rest easier than I used to. Welcome, 2011.Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-78867162457005994682010-11-12T19:54:00.005-06:002010-11-12T19:58:35.441-06:00How did I not find this song 3 years ago?Have a little side of bitter with your Friday. Enjoy.<br />
<br />
<object height="385" width="640"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/pc0mxOXbWIU?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/pc0mxOXbWIU?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="450" height="271"></embed></object>Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-66767549268130018642010-10-08T01:15:00.003-05:002010-10-08T01:22:46.449-05:00Coming up on three years since I last saw himI am still in a good healing place. But tonight I felt I had to come downstairs from trying to fall asleep to get these thoughts on digital paper. He has been quite present in my dreams of late. Not consistently every night, but every week or two he pops up, and it's that amazing feeling of waking up from a dream where you were with your best friend... and then you miss them so much because you didn't really talk to them, and with every waking moment you remember less and less of your reverie. I found myself in bed tonight recognizing something. There is still a piece of me... I'm not prepared to call it small just yet.... but it's a piece that wants to be in another life. It's not just about the exAP either. Tonight what set this off was thinking about something as mundane and banal as furniture and bedding choices. Regretting the poor taste I had when I bought the cheapest thing available without a critical eye to what I want my surroundings to look like... and having this overwhelming thought of, "wouldn't it be kind of cool to just leave and start with a totally clean slate?" I mean, come on. My overly country-themed daybed is bad, but bad enough to make me want to leave a marriage? Maybe there's something else there. And maybe that's why the exAP is coming up in my subconscious again. More after the jump...<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
I've linked him in such a complete way to a fantasy escape of my life. My life that involves a less than impressive salary, a real, true-to-life, human, flawed spouse, a home that would never be in a magazine, and a closet full of clothes that seemed like such a good idea at the time, but were really just a bad case of sale goggles. Who doesn't think about chucking it all from time to time and starting fresh? We all do. But here's the thing: for me, I think this is about that same core issue of self-hatred. I not only dislike my daybed, I hate myself for being so uncultured as to have bought it with its outdated, frumpy oak wood finish. I think what a dumpy, out of touch midwesterner this choice makes me out to be. All of this! Over a fucking piece of furniture! Girl, I know I am better than that. Who the fuck is this asshole voice in my head and how did it get there?<br />
<br />
To me, the exAP was such a balm for that because he not only embodied the kind of cool grace and style I still hope to emulate in my life, but he also magically saw in me the qualities I refused to see in myself. Here is the awful trick of it all though: I still have those qualities whether I make up the fairytale that he and only he saw them and therefore brought them out. Besides, why give him the damn credit? I do have good taste and style. It's just a fucking daybed. And I can replace it someday. Not today. But I also can proudly say I don't have credit card debt, unlike other friends who might be completely on-trend and well-furnished and well-heeled every single day of the week. Yet are in miserably unsustainable positions in other ways in their lives.<br />
<br />
What is important in my life? Look around my home and you'll see that material things are not a huge component of that answer. Yet I get caught up in it. It's not all there is to the story, at all... it's just what brought me down this sad, familiar road tonight. I was just laying down, mind racing away, and I found myself articulating the wish: "Let me visit him tonight. Let it be in OUR special place. I miss it and him so."<br />
<br />
Escape. Fantasy. So much easier to deal with than reality. Don't you think?Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-84038580721233098472010-06-21T01:38:00.000-05:002010-06-21T01:38:51.296-05:00Random obsessionI still feel like I've moved past the ExAP. However, I still find that I am randomly completely obsessed with him, albeit much less frequently. I haven't thought about him this much in at least 6 months, I'd say. My stupid dumb password-knowing usually yields almost no info on him, but I just saw he's visiting the place. Our place. Where we first met and became friends, and where it all happened. The building itself is no longer there. But I know he's got to be thinking back to the past too. In that setting, it would be impossible not to. I find myself missing him at these times in a weird way. Like, in a "how I wish I could just talk to you" way. Of course during the affair and failed no contact, that feeling was always what ruined it. We'd think we could just talk and catch up, with no more relationship stuff, and inevitably we'd end up on each other not too long after that intimate chat. But I guess the point is, I do still care what he's doing, what he's feeling, and I miss him. I know that won't stop. I'm just so grateful he's not in my head every day anymore. I can deal with these bouts smartly. I have almost no fear left that I'll make a bad choice. But I do wonder if something down the road will make our paths cross again, planned or not. And I wonder what I will say. That's probably something I should stop wondering right now...Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-76693792040796642192010-04-25T12:34:00.000-05:002010-04-25T12:34:31.474-05:00UpdatesHello everyone. I've just edited the blog a bit to hopefully make it more readable. I've inserted jump points in my longer posts so someone scanning for the first time doesn't have to scroll through the longer posts to get a sense for the direction of this whole thing. Another update for you: the universe handed me another password giving me access to info about exAP. I was too weak to not try it. It worked. Now I can see his FB feed whenever I like. I have been relieved that he doesn't post there a lot. How and why do I stop? I can't un-know the login. I didn't pry for it either... it was given to me in a completely unrelated context. I guess I should stop listening so closely. Anyway, I've been checking that about once a week. Ugh. Need to stop. Good news in all of this: he bores me. Also, his power weakens and weakens still. Coming up on the two year anniversary of true no contact in May too!Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-2978644326916187532010-04-03T09:27:00.004-05:002010-04-25T12:15:58.472-05:00To anonymousI can hear the pain and struggling in every word of your comments two posts down. I know how that feels-- to not even know what you are getting out of something, but still need it and crave it so much. I hear you saying a lot of negative things about yourself. You hate who you have become. You don't know how to fix your marriage because it is great already. Um, hello? If you are hating yourself so much, then obviously not all is OK with you. <br />
<a name='more'></a>Sure, your DH and you have a good sex life, but that is not everything. Look inside yourself and ask why you were open to those MSN messages when they started. They made you feel good about yourself, right? So obviously you need some help feeling good about yourself. We all do. For me, what pushed me over the line between flirting with someone and really getting physical with him was that I still hated myself deep down, and I was looking for outside validation that I was OK. My DH contributed to my feelings of not being OK with myself, and having low self confidence. But they were around long before I met DH.<br />
<br />
Through therapy, I found out just how upset about my own self I really was. I found out I had deep shame about the person I was... something I was attributing to the way I was raised, or having a mom who was manic depressive, or not growing up in the right kind of town, and being too blue collar. There was this real strong soundtrack in my head telling me all the reasons I was flawed, less than, not important, stupid, ugly, worthless. When I met DH and we knew each other long enough to start being honest with one another, his reservations about me became clear. He didn't like the dark circles under my eyes. He was worried I would get fat. Charming, right? But I can't blame him. I could have walked away at that point or just told him, eff you! I'm not fat and I was born with these eyes! Take them or leave them! Instead I silently let those opinions confirm my own inner hatred for myself, and took it as another piece of proof that I was a wretched little thing.<br />
<br />
When AP came along, I perceived that he accepted me more, "got" me more, would make me whole in some way. He didn't. I too think he was just in it for the sex. So for me therapy helped me realize that AP was not going to do all the things I was subconsciously hoping he would do. I had to start repairing my insides, not look to someone else to do it.<br />
<br />
I strongly recommend you get into therapy again, and your one friend that knows? Can he/she help you give up AP? It is seriously like drug addiction-- you need people to help you or you won't stop. Best of luck, I have to go... I'll try to check in as I can.Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-14035754203501585042010-03-05T23:44:00.002-06:002010-04-25T12:16:45.968-05:00Seriously? In a WEDDINGS magazine?Well, the Google urge came up tonight girls. So I can't lie, he is still in my head and heart. And what do I find, but a nice huge article all about his wedding and how he proposed and all of that frilly and pain-laden information. The venue they chose was so unique for their town, and the decor so classy, that it got written up in a magazine given to people planning weddings in their town. So it was all about who they chose to do this, and who they chose to do that, blah blah blah.<br />
<br />
Fuckers.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
Also, I just visited another person from the inner circle of friends that we told about all of this back in May 2008. She was great about it, but through one of her slip-ups, I found out that this random girl who I barely know and didn't even work with also knows about the affair. You know the show Jersey Shore? She could be on it. Not the kind of person I want having this information. And if she has it, I'm sure about everyone we ever worked with or knew at this common place also knows about it. <br />
Which just fucking sucks too. Lesson today? Crap. No lesson. Just that burning pain.Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-25631319339410629782010-01-27T12:48:00.002-06:002010-01-27T12:52:14.659-06:00I think I'm past the finish lineGirls.... those of you that have been checking in and still reading, thank you. I obviously haven't been here as regularly and haven't posted in a while. I think it might be over. The obsession. I am going to leave this blog up as a hopeful message to others who want to get over an affair. It is possible. It just takes time and dedication. I may return here now and again to post something helpful, or if I am feeling weak again. Or god forbid if I get contacted. But here we are... it's been about a year and a half since our last phone contact and I think that's the amount of time it took, roughly, for no contact to last. Four year relationship = at least 1 year, maybe more like 2 years no contact until you stop thinking about him every. single. day. There are whole days when I don't think of him. He is still there in my head, but he doesn't have the power anymore. It's possible girls. Hang in there and thank you for all of your support.Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-42767889397100408222010-01-05T11:56:00.003-06:002010-04-25T12:17:27.486-05:00Swimming Past the FlotsamHappy New Year everyone. I stayed strong on not stalking over the holidays.... for the most part. I had a couple of weak Google moments, and just today I re-opened my FB avenue... and quickly thereafter permanently deleted it. Turns out I had just deactivated it before. At any rate, I've been reading a book by Margaret Atwood called <i>Cat's Eye</i>, and I wanted to share a short passage I came across last night. This really rang true for me... today was just a day of getting stuck in some flotsam while swimming along.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
From a section of the book where the narrator talks about her ex:<br />
<br />
"Now that I'm more or less safe from him, and him from me, I can recall him with fondness and even in some detail, which is more than I can say for several others. Old lovers go the way of old photographs, bleaching out gradually as in a slow bath of acid: first the moles and pimples, then the shadings, then the faces themselves, until nothing remains but the general outlines. What will be left of them when I'm seventy? None of the baroque ecstasy, none of the grotesque compulsion. A word or two, hovering in the inner emptiness. Maybe a toe here, a nostril there, or a mustache, floating like a little curl of seaweed among the other flotsam."Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-83006162089164259332009-12-22T09:56:00.000-06:002009-12-22T09:58:02.968-06:00Holidays are HardYes, I am thinking about him more during this time. No, it hasn't weakened my resolve to give up stalking him. I've come to a new realization: he will always be in my heart and in my mind, but something happened this year that made me realize he no longer controls them. Happy holidays to all, and stay strong.Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-4203641830890954212009-12-14T10:52:00.001-06:002009-12-14T10:58:28.804-06:00Deleted.......I just erased one of my avenues to spy on the exAP. Poof. Feels good.Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-80457037315391319152009-12-07T23:24:00.002-06:002009-12-07T23:29:35.653-06:00A New Hope...Girls, it's official. I'm making my New Year's resolution to stop stalking him. Currently I still have several avenues I use to peek in on his life. So far the only continuing temptation has been my friend's email account. God, password hacking is so terrible. I wish I hadn't figured that one out. That will be hard to give up. But I do know this: the thoughts and feelings about him are fading. Significantly. So I think it's a reasonable goal to set for myself.<br /><br />Last night when laying down to go to bed I had one of my most common thoughts at that time: "oh, let's conjure up an image/scenario involving you and him." When I was in the midst of the affair I would often hate myself at those times, and suspect that it was more habit than any real desire for him. I would think back to the years after we first made a major move away from a group of friends, and I was able to stop obsessing over a male friend from that time period that I had a crush on, and would fantasize about kissing at night. It just fades.<br /><br />And you know what? ExAP is fading. FADING! He's not gone. But last night, when my brain did that Pavlovian thing? I was able to just swat the thought away. Easily. It felt so good!<br /><br />Hope is a verb with its sleeves rolled up. Finally, I'm feeling like I've got a fighting chance.Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-10364614703664540362009-11-30T11:51:00.002-06:002009-11-30T11:56:04.242-06:00We are not aloneI just read an incredible article in the New York Times magazine about a study being done of women who have seemingly lost their sexual desire... I thought all of you would enjoy it. Here's a little teaser paragraph:<br />"Brotto is dealing in the domain of the mind, or in the mind’s relationship to the body, not in a problem with the body itself. Beneath Klimt’s couple, she opened yellow case folders and described the desolation and bewilderment recorded in her notes. She spoke about a woman in her 40s who, years ago, had sex with her husband as often as seven times in a day but who now, more than a decade into a marriage with this still-handsome man, cringes at the very same gesture, the very same touch to her back, that once electrified her. Two or three months might go by now without their having sex. “It’s fine for me not to have sex at all,” Brotto quoted the wife, and commented, “I hear that from a lot of women.” And yet, at the same time, the lack of libido isn’t fine at all. “What exactly is turning me off?” Brotto read the wife’s plaintive question."<br />Read the article <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/29/magazine/29sex-t.html"> HERE.</a>Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-59636732143490727972009-11-25T09:24:00.002-06:002009-11-25T09:28:58.415-06:00Hanging inSo far so good on the stalker avoidance. Except... well, one thing. Remember me guessing my friend's email login? Over the last week, it occurred to me that there might be other "gold" in there to mine... what she had said about me. So I checked it out. And well... that was another battering ram. It's weird, because there's nothing to shake your confidence like the truth. I now am not sure I will ever have the same standing with her that I thought I did. I suppose I deserve it, snooping around her email. But here's the worst part-- yesterday she got an email from him. It was a simple one, just to say happy Thanksgiving and check in. No details. But I guess I broke the rules, because how much MORE of a stalker can I be, reading his message just freshly written?<br /><br />So guys, I still suck. Mentally I do feel better. Less controlled by it. But my actions speak volumes, don't they? Sorry to not be the bringer of massive hope.Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-40438922330785206002009-11-19T16:08:00.002-06:002009-11-19T16:11:16.497-06:00A new trend?OK guys, I know better than to say I've changed until at least a month or so passes... but I think I might have changed. At least a little bit. I decided to try not checking my stalker places at all this week as a goal, and it was pretty easy to do for a while. I found myself at home alone just now and went to check one of the places, and you know what? It just didn't feel good. Some part of me finally recognized that going there is like clubbing myself over the head. It hurts. And it's pointless. So why do it? My new goal? Don't check any of those places until at least the end of the month. Baby steps. Let's see if I can do this....Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-5877258409738062522009-11-15T22:53:00.002-06:002009-11-15T22:59:01.475-06:00Tired of looking backOn my trip I started to realize something. I get stressed out in social situations sometimes because I feel like I don't have anything to say. With the old friends we were visiting, that rarely happened. But a lot of what we talked about focused on the past. I caught myself wondering with sadness whether my early 30's were the highlight of my life, and now I'll just live in a boring fog, always gazing back as the past gets blurrier and farther away. It's true that the pain of missing the exAP is fading over time. I spent some time that first morning I was back looking at his wedding pictures. But really, I've found that I just don't want to think about it. And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I'm starting to realize that guy in the photos isn't someone I know now. It's someone from the past. Who is he today? I have less and less of an idea with every day that passes. I know he's human. I know he didn't find total bliss and perfection with her. And I know he probably still wonders about me from time to time. But my life has gone on just fine without him for the last two years. There are plenty of things in my life that have nothing to do with him, or the places and people he touched in my life. Those are the things I find myself thinking about this week. And I think that's a good sign for my healing.Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-87509051551111921502009-11-12T09:01:00.003-06:002010-04-25T12:19:32.874-05:00The relationship, in a nutshellA person in a similar situation contacted me on another website and wanted to hear my story. That site is being funky about what it will let me type in its email system, so here is the response for her...and for all of you.<br />
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Hi!<br />
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I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. I've been away on vacation and this is the first chance I'm getting to really write. My exap was younger than me too. By about 4 years. Seriously, the main reason we stopped talking was because my husband found out. I'm still not sure what would have happened today had he not discovered us.<br />
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We met at a place where we both worked. All the staff lived on site, and so it was this college-like atmosphere of parties and social events every night. My exAP was not at all someone I was interested in when we first met in 2000. Soon after we met, he started dating a girl who would become one of my best friends from that place. (incidentally she still is).<br />
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It was somewhere in the 2nd year I knew him, when he had moved on to a second girlfriend.... also a friend of mine... that the attraction started. It's a really long story, but we took a damn long time staring at each other over the line, subtly beckoning one another, and then finally crossing it in 2003. Once we did I was in total bliss. I wanted to be with him as much as possible without DH knowing. DH had a job at that time that meant a lot of travel, for weeks at a time... so our only hurdle was his girlfriend, and he wasn't into her at all.<br />
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After 3 months of an intense fall, he decided to move to another town. With the girlfriend. And a bunch of other friends who all planned to share a house. We said our goodbyes amiably and vowed to keep our little secret, and never do it again.<br />
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That lasted about 6 months. We emailed some right after he left, but it was all totally benign and only about once a week at the most. Then that spring he got a job offer to come back to my state. Not at the same place, but about 3 hours away. We'd see each other regularly on the weekends and I could tell the spark was still there.<br />
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On 4th of July of that year, he invited me up to his new place of employment. Others were invited to come with me, but nobody could make it. DH was away on a trip. So I went. And we dove back in head first.<br />
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Over our 4 year affair we never again lived in the exact same town. But we made it work. Trips to see other people got secret days tacked on the beginning or the end to meet him in hotel rooms. And our emails were constant.<br />
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There were times we tried to end it. Usually it was a one-sided idea. The other person would agree, it would last about a month at most, and then we'd come creeping back into each other's inboxes.<br />
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Finally, the last year of our affair (2007), he moved to my current state for grad school. Just 2 hours away. We were able to see each other and misbehave more than ever. Which is why, ultimately, I think DH found out. He could see I was checked out and so he got suspicious... and started watching. He caught me talking about it on a message board (unrelated to affairs). He learned my user name and started logging in to watch the boards when he knew I was posting. I totally hung myself. I thought he didn't care and wasn't paying attention. I'm glad he finally started to... your words about your DH not noticing stung for me. I know that hurts.<br />
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Did I love him? Well. Of course I did. There were times in our relationship when I would lie to myself and tell myself it was just lust, or just the grass is greener, or whatever. But yes. Of course I loved him. And I still do and always will. But I also love my husband. In a way I never did achieve with the exAP. And I'm still not sure I ever could have.<br />
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I guess the last thing to say is you obviously should take advice from me with a grain of salt, since I'm not exactly where you want to be in 2 years. But, I will say that a few things are essential. One is no contact. The other, for me, has been DH knowing about the issues that led to the affair, and us consciously working on them. I couldn't have given up the exAP on my own. The marriage was too broken. It needed to be fixed, by both of us, for me to stop looking elsewhere.<br />
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Clearly I still stalk him and think about him. In that regard, guess I cling to the belief that time is my friend and will heal me slowly. It was a long relationship. It's going to take a long time to get that drug completely out of my system. It's my job to be the smarter one and keep following the rules: no contact and be engaged emotionally with DH. Sometimes the sex drive follows. Most of the time it doesn't. But at least the response is there.<br />
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I hope time fixes that too.<br />
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Thank you for reading the blog. If you ever want to chat or vent, I'm here.Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-89623561597695385392009-11-11T11:07:00.002-06:002009-11-11T11:09:41.035-06:00Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.I am just back to work today after a late return from vacation last night. It didn't take me long to find things to stab myself in the eye with things early this morning, but the giant pile waiting for me at work is keeping me busy. I suspect I will spend a lot of my weekend really poring over all of it; turning over every last rock. DH will be gone all day Sunday. The initial reaction is that it was a beautiful event. A goddamn beautiful, classy event. Shit.Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-68673481638644686662009-10-29T21:16:00.001-05:002009-10-29T21:18:25.141-05:00What I won't doI won't be able to control myself when I get back from vacation on November 10th. I will finally have some private time away from my DH, and I will scour the web for signs of his wedding. And I'm sure I'll find at least some pictures. Won't those be lovely to stab myself in the eye with? I wish I had the power to tell myself I won't do this. And I'm sorry.... I know I technically COULD not look for them. But in reality? I know I won't resist the urge. It will be too compelling. And it will hurt like a motherfucker.Healing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.com4