tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post6676754926813001864..comments2023-02-16T21:41:09.917-06:00Comments on My dirty, despicable, horrible affair: Coming up on three years since I last saw himHealing and Learninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-63525932151301836072011-03-10T14:08:07.588-06:002011-03-10T14:08:07.588-06:00I think it isn't so much the escape/fantasy as...I think it isn't so much the escape/fantasy aspect of it that is the issue for me. It has more to do with the whole "self love" thang. When I think of my ex-AP, I feel horrible for thinking of him, given all of the damage that was done. I shouldn't think of him at all - or if I do, it should be with utter disgust and disdain. And since I do think of him, and since I don't hate him - that must mean (still) that I'm a horrible person who doesn't deserve my husband and hasn't changed at all. I know those things aren't true, but when the feelings hit, they can be very hard to work through. The negative voices are ALWAYS so much louder than the positive ones. And in my case, the negative voices were the ones that sent me down that road to start with, so I have to work hard to quiet them.<br /><br />I'm glad you're writing again - know that it helps the rest of us out here.<br /><br />KimAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-17075085392164479332010-12-10T10:52:07.990-06:002010-12-10T10:52:07.990-06:00Thank you for the comment! Your blog looks fantast...Thank you for the comment! Your blog looks fantastic also, can't wait to read it and also check out your blogroll. Stay strong... I am still healing but it gets easier every day!Healing and Learninghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-85693213140834470812010-12-09T19:45:03.561-06:002010-12-09T19:45:03.561-06:00Coming up on 3 years.... wow. I am coming up on a ...Coming up on 3 years.... wow. I am coming up on a year. And I am doing really well. This is my first visit to your blog, but I intend to read more. I hope you are well. I hope you are healing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-26232352148847492010-12-07T21:39:41.746-06:002010-12-07T21:39:41.746-06:00Idahoboy: thanks for your comment, and for reading...Idahoboy: thanks for your comment, and for reading. First of all, I'm really sorry to hear about the pain your wife is putting you through. I can't speak for her, but as you have probably gathered from my posts, my remorse for the hurt I caused my husband is still quite immense. And even though I haven't acted on my wonderings and made contact with the ExAP, when I think about him it makes me feel like I'm not a good enough person to deserve my husband.<br /><br />What I have learned through this, is that these are all normal human reactions. Nobody is perfect, and unfortunately it is easier to live in fantasy world. However, for me what has kept me away is simply working on the hole within myself that makes me want to go to fantasy world in the first place. Has your wife been in therapy? Have you done counseling together? What I learned there is that the "connection" I thought I felt with the ExAP was almost like the connection you feel with a character in a movie. I made up a lot of what I thought he gave me. And it is BECAUSE my husband cared enough to go through counseling with me, and that he cared about and supported me in working out my issues I had to work through in my counseling, that we were able to rediscover our love together again.<br /><br />That said, nothing is perfect. I still wonder about the ExAP and probably always will. I can't control that. What I can control are my actions, and it empowers me and helps me repair all the self-hatred I have had over the years every day that goes by that I do not cave in and call or email that other man. <br /><br />It comes from the core issues. Everyone is different, but your wife should get a good therapist (as should you) if you haven't already. My best wishes to you both and thanks again for reading.Healing and Learninghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07637375326828990765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35638523.post-56607486086261410232010-12-05T23:31:02.342-06:002010-12-05T23:31:02.342-06:00I finally decided it was time to end my internet s...I finally decided it was time to end my internet stalking after 18 months of periodically checking your blog. Your updates have provided an interesting perspective as I live through my wife’s affair. My wife re-connected with an old boyfriend via Facebook in early 2009 and started an on-line romance that later turned into illicit meetings while I was working. While their affair was very brief (3 months), it clearly impacted her greatly. It’s no 18 months later and I’ve just lived through her latest attempt to start everything back up. She is on a 3-6 month cycle of trying to make contact and coming up with stories to cover her actions. Funny thing is… It is completely obvious when it’s happening. Her entire demeanor changes towards the family. All I have to do is check e-mail or text message records to find the hard evidence. As much as I’ve wanted to just walk away, I just can’t seem to throw away 17 years of marriage, and chance the effects of a divorce on my teenage children. <br /> Your comments about fantasy being easier to deal with than reality struck a chord with me. It’s something my wife says often. She calls it “la-la land” and it is way easier to live there that to deal with daily stresses. I struggle to understand the link between fantasy land and the ExAP. Hell, I struggle to understand the link between needing an escape from reality and finding it outside the marriage. But I suppose that is why I have not cheated and she has. <br />I guess the real question is; how do you dispose of the association between the ExAP and the feeling that you are “better” with him than with your husband? Or maybe; how do you make that connection that you are the same person with or without either the ExAP or your husband?idahoboyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14127635281075460035noreply@blogger.com